How challenging is it to raise children who are
compassionate, kind, and empathetic? Apparently, it’s getting harder.
Sara Konrath, a University of Michigan psychologist,
compared data from 1979-2009 to analyze if, indeed, teenagers have become more,
or less, compassionate over the last 30 years. Her findings were dramatic, and
discouraging.
Explained Konrath, whose meta-analysis covered 72 studies
and 14,000 college students: “College kids today are about 40 percent lower in
empathy than their counterparts 20 or 30 years ago. . . .” Compared to college
students of the late 1970s, said Konrath, college students today are less
likely to agree with statements such as: “I sometimes try to understand my
friends better by imagining how things look from their perspective" and
"I often have tender, concerned feelings for people less fortunate than
me." Along these lines, today’s college students are more
likely to agree with the statement: “I will never be satisfied until I get all
that I deserve."
It’s a disturbing trend, but psychologists and
international groups insist there is much we can do to bring about change.
Below are a few unique (and some traditional) steps. But first, a word about
compassion, and its importance.
·
What is
compassion? According to Seeds of
Compassion, a non-profit: “Compassion is an understanding of the emotional
state of another. Not to be confused with empathy, compassion is often combined
with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another or to show
special kindness to those who suffer. (To read more on the subject, consider
picking up “Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential -- and Endangered,” by
Bruce D. Perry and Maia Szalavitz.)
·
Benefits?
Adds Seeds of Compassion: “Scientific studies that suggest there are physical
benefits to practicing compassion — people who practice it produce 100 percent
more DHEA, which is a hormone that counteracts the aging process, and 23
percent less cortisol — the ‘stress hormone’.”
·
How early
can children learn to be empathetic?
Said Elizabeth Foy Larsen, in an article at parents.com: “One study found that kids as young as 18 months could master a key component of
empathy: the ability to tune in to people's emotions. By age 4, they move
beyond making physical caring gestures and start to think about others'
feelings in relation to their own. Many of these responses happen naturally,
but you can make a more conscious effort to promote empathy-boosting
experiences for your children.”
·
Muscle
memory? Explained Marilyn Price-Mitchell, in an article published by the
non-profit Roots of Action: “Developing compassion in elementary and middle
school-aged children is akin to developing muscle strength. The more you use
your muscles, the stronger they get. Children learn compassion through many
experiences, including caring for the family pet.”
·
How
important is a child’s social-emotional development (SED)? According to
Seeds of Compassion: “Social-emotional development [which is linked directly to
compassion] is the foundation for success in school and in life. . . . It
is a better predictor of adult success than intelligence quotient scores (IQ).”
What Can You Do?
Above all, psychologists insist, we must provide opportunities for our young ones
to practice compassion. Aside from that, here’s a mix of some unique, and
traditional, steps worth taking:
·
Point out
heroes. Said Jane Meredith Adams, writing for parenting.com: “The siren of
a fire truck, not to mention a newspaper photograph of a bomb attack, can make
a 4-year-old worry. Shield him from disturbing images as much as possible, but
when he hears or sees something frightening, focus the conversation on the
firefighters, rescue workers, doctors, or volunteers who are there to help us.”
·
Help
children understand and cope with anger. In her article for Roots of
Action, Price Mitchell explained: "Anger is one of the greatest hindrances to
compassion because it can overwhelm children’s minds and spirit. Yet there are
times when anger yields energy and determination. The Dalai Lama, in his
article Compassion and the Individual, suggests we investigate the value of our
anger. We can help children by asking how their anger will help solve a problem
or make their lives happier. We can help them see both the positive and
negative sides of anger, and how holding onto anger leads to unreliable and
destructive outcomes."
·
Teach
children to self-regulate. Added
Price-Mitchell: “Children should understand that regulating their anger is not
a sign of weakness. Instead, a compassionate attitude is an internal strength.
Praise children when they regulate themselves, making sure they understand the
power of their calmness and patience.”
·
Don’t
trash talk. In her piece for parenting.com, Adams suggested: “Don't trash
talk. Kids, as we know, are always listening. How we talk on a daily basis
about our own siblings, parents, and relatives tells them a lot. If children
hear us saying something really negative about Grandma, they learn that it's
okay to talk that way, says Suzanne Coyle, Ph.D., a mom and director of the
Marriage and Family Therapy Program at Christian Theological Seminary in
Indianapolis. So keep meanness in check: ‘Show them you have a spirit of kindness
and generosity’.”
·
Volunteer.
Perla Ni, founder and CEO of GreatNonprofits, said that “researchers have found
volunteering is associated with increases in adolescents’ self-esteem and
self-acceptance, moral development, and belief in one’s personal responsibility
to help. Volunteering often brings a new dimension to the world through
children’s eyes; it helps them grasp that not everyone has the same privileges
they do and makes them more empathetic.”
******************
Interested in
building compassion?
If you’re interested in taking action, or simply learning
more, consider contacting any of these top-flight organizations, each of which
promotes compassion and empathy:
- Seeds of Compassion
- Kids for Peace
- Roots of Empathy and
- GenerationOn (the youth division of Points of Light Institute).
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