Can you cultivate self-compassion?

Apparently, the answer is yes.  And the benefits are lifelong, and can be life changing. Author Dr. Kristin Neff tells us how, and we'll share her insights in a moment.

But first, ask yourself three questions: 1. How often do I criticize myself? 2. When I criticize myself, what good does it do?  3. Does it motivate me into taking action or does it discourage me, and leave me more tense and anxious?  

Neff maintains that most of us are used to focusing on our flaws – constantly judging ourselves, condemning our mistakes and criticizing our own missteps. In her book, Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, Neff insists that all of this is counterproductive. In their place, she suggests that we focus on building self-compassion, which she says consists of three components: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.  A word about each:  

·         Self-kindness means actively comforting ourselves, “stopping the constant self-judgment and disparaging internal commentary that most of us have come to see as normal.”  

·         Common humanity means understanding that we share a common human experience with others, that we are all interconnected and that we all suffer.  Compassion, Neff points out, means “to suffer with.”   

·         Mindfulness means clearly seeing and accepting what is happening right now, without judgment, according to Neff. She writes: “The idea is that we need to see things as they are, no more, no less, in order to respond to our current situation in the most compassionate—and therefore effective—manner.”

Change your self-talk

On her web site, www.self-compassion.org, Neff provides a series of tools for cultivating self-compassion.  Some of her exercises include:

 ·         Change your self-talk.  Explains Neff: “Make an active effort to soften the self-critical voice, but do so with compassion rather than self-judgment (i.e., don’t say ‘you’re such a bitch’ to your inner critic!). Say something like: ‘I know you’re trying to keep me safe, and to point out ways that I need to improve, but your harsh criticism and judgment is not helping at all. Please stop being so critical, you are causing me unnecessary pain.”

 ·         Questioning. Neff asks us to think about self-criticism, and the role that it plays in our lives.  She asks: “When things go wrong, do we tend to feel cut off from others . . . with the irrational feeling that everyone else is having a better time of it then you, or do you get in touch with the fact that all humans experience hardship in their lives?”

 ·         Writing/Journaling.  Neff offers this unique idea – picture an imaginary friend who knows your every strength, your every weakness, “a friend who understands your life history and the millions of things that have happened in your life to create you as you are in this moment."  Then have this imaginary friend write a letter to you, expressing deep compassion for who you are.  Neff asks: “What would this friend write in order to remind you that you are only human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses? And if you think this friend would suggest possible changes you should make, how would these suggestions embody feelings of unconditional understanding and compassion? As you write to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend, try to infuse your letter with a strong sense of his/her acceptance, kindness, caring and desire for your health and happiness.”

 Neff’s bottom line: “[It’s difficult] to be an imperfect human being in this extremely competitive society of ours.” But we are all capable of cultivating self-compassion, and quieting the voice of our inner critic.  

"Being self-compassionate means that whether you win or lose, surpass your sky-high expectations or fall short, you still extend the same kindness and sympathy toward yourself, just like you would a good friend.”