Marriage/Relationships:
The Secret to Making Them Work?
Let’s
start with three:
1. Stop trying to
change your partner;
2. Never begin a
sentence with the word "you"; and
3. Avoid trigger
phrases (e.g., "you’re being just like your mother/father").
And
here’s three more:
4. Know your
partner’s love language;
5. When you spend
time together, try to make it “sacred” time; and
6. Hold your hugs
for at least 20 seconds ("that’s how long it takes for your oxytocin – the
‘cuddle hormone’ – to kick in," explains Dr. Jim Walkup).
We
all know the basics: patience, kindness, support, respect and trust. But we are
human, so every now and then it’s good to pause, collect ourselves, and
re-focus on what makes a relationship tick, and keep on ticking. Here then are
a few tips, culled from hundreds we’ve come across. Hopefully you’ll find a few
that will make your relationship thrive.
Don’t try to
change your partner. Says Dr. Rick Kirschner, Relationship Coach: "The biggest waste of
effort in a marriage is trying to change your spouse, since the problems you
have with your spouse are generally problems you have in yourself. When you try
to change your spouse you come across as a nag and wind up sending the message
that 'who you are is not enough.' Nobody likes getting that message, and it
leads to distance and polarization. Let your spouse be who he or she is and
focus on changing yourself."
Spend time
together. But make it “sacred” time. Marni Battista, CPC, founder of Dating with
Dignity, says that to keep the spark alive and avoid ‘roommate syndrome’, "couples have to understand the notion of spending ‘time’ together versus
creating ‘sacred’ time together. Spending time at social events, time with
family and doing ‘chores’ together does not count as sacred time. Instead, carve
out special time to not only be intimate, but also ensure that you continue to
share new experiences together such as hiking, exploring someplace new, or
arranging a stay-cation in your own city."
Control or
connection?
Psychologist and marriage counselor Lee Horton points out: "You can have
control or you can have connection with your partner, but you can't have both.
Pursue connection!"
Know your
partner’s love language. In his Huffington Post article, Walkup explains: "This one is so
important. Just because your mom sang your praises for cleaning up your room
doesn’t mean your partner is as impressed by the act. We each value different
loving behaviors and gestures in our relationship. Often couples have
completely different love languages." Walkup encourages us to periodically ask: “What things have I done that
make you feel the most loved?” Walkup also recommends grabbing a copy of Gary
Chapman’s "The Five Languages of Love."
Touch every
chance you get. "This isn’t just about sex," according to a piece at
sixseeds.patheos.com, “although sex is another consistent habit of happy
couples. Physical touch includes cuddling, kissing, hugging, foot rubs,
shoulder rubs, holding hands and putting your arm around each other. The simple
act of touch binds a [couple’s] hearts together like nothing else. If you are
one of the many in a 'touch-starved' [relationship], make it a priority to
bring more affection and physical touch" to the relationship.
Watch those
words!
Marcia Sirota, a psychiatrist and the author of "Women Decoded: The Secret
Strategy for Relationship Success," shares 10 phrases to avoid. Here are three:
"You’re being
just like your father/mother." Says psychologist Megan Fleming, as quoted in
Brittany Wong’s Huffington Post piece: “It doesn’t matter how healthy a
relationship your partner has with his or her parents: comparing them to dear
old dad or mom mid-argument is a particularly low blow, even if the comparison
is true.”
"Will you
please just relax." Says Sirota, as quoted by Wong: "Unless your goal is to prolong
your partner’s anger during an argument, don’t tell them to ‘calm down’ or
‘relax’."
"We need to
talk, but now is not a good time." Psychologist Susan Krauss, as quoted by Wong,
explains that phrases such as these create "anxiety without providing an avenue
for alleviating that anxiety. . . . It’s also a controlling statement. If you
feel the need to talk, then wait until you have the time and ask if your
partner has whatever length of time you need."
Author’s note:
quotes from Kirschner, Battista, Horton, Monet and Marshall are drawn from an
article at www.yourtango.com.
##
