Welcome to the field of Suggestology, the science of
advice, persuasion and exhortation.
What’s a USS? It stands for “UnSolicited Suggestion,”
that is, a suggestion that flies off our lips even before a person has asked
for one. It’s a familiar pattern between
parent and teenager, between friends, at any age.
Statement:
“I’m not feeling too well. I think I
still have a fever.”
Suggestion: “Maybe you should call the doctor.”
Statement: “I can’t stand my boss, he’s such a jerk.”
Suggestion: “Why don’t you quit and move on?”
The problem is, your friend hasn’t asked for a
suggestion.
As practicing suggestologists we dispense advice in the
lunch room, the grocery store and the kitchen table. Too often, we rarely shy
from telling others exactly what we think.
·
We tell folks what to say (“Just tell him you’re not happy”);
·
We tell them what to do (“Go ahead, call her”);
·
We tell them how to think and how to feel (“Don’t let that bother you, don’t even think
about it”).
To be fair, most suggestions are well-intentioned (“I just wanted to help.”) But too often,
they’re unwelcome intrusions in a conversation.
When a person complains about
their job, they don’t necessarily want someone to tell them that it’s time to
start looking for a new one. When a person struggles in a relationship, they don’t necessarily
want someone to tell them that it’s time to find a new mate. And when a person reflects
on a recent poor showing – in the boardroom or the ballfield – they don’t necessarily want someone to tell them what to do the next time around.
Subtle or direct, a USS remains a USS. If only we could
wait for the question.
Question: “I’m not feeling too well. I think I still have a fever. What do you
think I should do?”
Suggestion: “Maybe you should call the doctor.”
Question: “I can’t stand my boss, he’s such a jerk. Do you think I should stay?”
Suggestion: “Maybe it’s time to start looking for something new.”
Parents: Living in
the Land of USS
Parents, at every age, are adept at offering USSs (some
years ago, on the way to school, I asked our youngest daughter to recall a
recent USS from my lips; it took her less than two seconds to recount the
latest!).
As parents, we live in the Land of USS for good reason – we
care about our children, we want to protect them, keep them safe, happy and
healthy. We suffer when they hurt
(emotionally or physically) and we worry about their future. But instead of
waiting for the question (“What do you
think I should do?”), we rush ahead and miss an opportunity to just listen.
So the next time a young one is airing it out, try
listening as long as you can, then pose these five unambiguous words: “Would you like a suggestion?” Chances
are they’ll respond with a quick “No,
thanks,” but wait five minutes, or an hour or so, and you just might find
they'll swing back and say: “OK, what is it,
what’s your suggestion?”
Here’s hoping.
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