Should we talk to strangers?

Kio Stark insists we should. In a stirring TED talk, Stark shares how talking to strangers can enhance our lives and open us to new opportunities.  Stark’s chief concern: by teaching our children, and ourselves, to fear strangers, we just may be closing ourselves off to meaningful encounters.

Stark is one of those rare humans who consciously makes contact with strangers, wherever she finds them.  And I can relate. I’m often struck by the fact that while 7.2 billion of us are, in essence, fellow travelers, we nonetheless spend much of our time separating from one another.

Not Stark. When she says hello to people on the street, as she often does, her four-year-old asks: “Do we know them?”

“No, they’re our neighbor.”

“Are they our friend?”

“No, it’s just good to be friendly.”

Stark pauses every time she says these words because, “as a woman, particularly, I know that not every stranger on the street has the best intentions.” But Stark insists: “It is good to be friendly, and it’s good to learn when not to be, but none of that means we have to be afraid.”

Author of the novel “Follow Me Down,” and the TED book “When Strangers Meet,” Stark cites two major benefits to using our senses instead of our fears:

“The first one is that it liberates us. When you think about it, using perception instead of categories is much easier said than done. Categories are something our brains use. When it comes to people, it's sort of a shortcut for learning about them. We see male, female, young, old, black, brown, white, stranger, friend, and we use the information in that box.

“It's quick, it's easy and it's a road to bias. And it means we're not thinking about people as individuals. I know an American researcher who travels frequently in Central Asia and Africa, alone. She's entering into towns and cities as a complete stranger. She has no bonds, no connections. She's a foreigner. Her survival strategy is this: get one stranger to see you as a real, individual person. If you can do that, it'll help other people see you that way, too.

“The second benefit of using our senses has to do with intimacy. I know it sounds a little counterintuitive, intimacy and strangers, but these quick interactions can lead to a feeling that sociologists call ‘fleeting intimacy’. So, it's a brief experience that has emotional resonance and meaning.”

Five ways to connect with strangers

So how do we do it?  What techniques can we use to connect with strangers? Stark offers five:

1.     Smile. “Find somebody who is making eye contact. That’s a good signal. The first thing is a simple smile. If you’re passing somebody on the street . . . smile. See what happens.”

2.     Triangulation. When you’re with a stranger, find a third object (e.g., a piece of public art, a scene on the street), then “make a comment about that third thing, and see if it starts a conversation.”

3.     Noticing. One popular way to connect is by simply giving a compliment. Says Stark: “I’m a big fan of noticing people’s shoes. . . . And they're pretty neutral as far as giving compliments goes. People always want to tell you things about their awesome shoes.”

4.     Dogs and Babies. “It can be awkward to talk to someone on the street,” notes Stark. “You don't know how they're going to respond. But you can always talk to their dog or their baby. The dog or the baby is a social conduit to the person, and you can tell by how they respond whether they're open to talking more.”

5.     Disclosure. “This is a very vulnerable thing to do, and it can be very rewarding,” explains Stark. “So next time you're talking to a stranger and you feel comfortable, tell them something true about yourself, something really personal. . . . Sometimes in conversation, it comes up, people ask me, ‘What does your dad do?’ or, ‘Where does he live?’ And sometimes I tell them the whole truth, which is that he died when I was a kid. Always in those moments, they share their own experiences of loss. We tend to meet disclosure with disclosure, even with strangers.”

Stark’s bottom line: “If you don't talk to strangers, you're missing out. . . . We spend a lot of time teaching our children about strangers. What would happen if we spent more time teaching ourselves? We could reject all the ideas that make us so suspicious of each other. We could make a space for change.”

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Showering only once a day? It may not be enough

If you’re looking to spark your creativity, showering once a day might not be enough. 

Academy Award winner Aaron Sorkin, for instance, takes six to eight showers a day, telling Emily Chang in a Bloomberg TV interview: “I'm not a germaphobe. It has nothing to do with germs; it's all about a fresh start.”

Certainly, no one’s suggesting you spend half your day in the shower. But the point is worth making: creating periods of relaxation throughout your day (e.g., engaging in tasks that allow your executive functions to stand down) is critically important for stimulating creative thoughts and new ideas.

Explains Scott Barry Kaufmann, author of “Wired to Create” (as quoted in an article at italiers.com): “The relaxing, solitary, and non-judgmental shower environment may afford creative thinking by allowing the mind to wander freely, and causing people to be more open to their inner stream of consciousness and daydreams,” he said.

Adds author Jonah Lehrer (as quoted in bufferapp.com): “Why is a relaxed state of mind so important for creative insights? When our minds are at ease – when those alpha waves are rippling through the brain – we’re more likely to direct the spotlight of attention inward, toward that stream of remote associations emanating from the right hemisphere. . . . It’s not until we’re being massaged by warm water, unable to check our e-mail, that we’re finally able to hear the quiet voices in the backs of our heads telling us about the insight. The answers have been there all along – we just weren’t listening.”

When our minds wander, we enter what psychologists call the “incubation period,” freeing up our subconscious for unique and novel thoughts. During this state, neuroscientists report, dopamine pumps into our system, allowing our creative juices to flow. A piece in openculture.com points out: “Renowned neuroscientist Alice Flaherty theorizes that the key biological ingredient in incubation is dopamine, the neurotransmitter released when we’re relaxed and comfortable. ‘People vary in terms of their level of creative drive,’ writes Flaherty, ‘according to the activity of the dopamine pathways of the limbic system.’ More relaxation, more dopamine. More dopamine, more creativity.”

The key, then, is to build periods of relaxation into our daily routine (or what one author calls “strategic slacking”).

How do you spark your creativity?

Naturally, we all possess a wealth of creative potential – the challenge is finding ways to unleash it. Have you ever heard a friend say: “Oh, I’m not really a creative person.”  Sorry, I’m not buying it.  Creativity isn’t confined to writers, artists, sculptures and musicians – it touches every field (e.g., medicine, engineering, finance) and everyone.  When I hear someone declare: “Oh, I’m just not creative,” it brings to mind what a teacher once shared: “If you ask a room of first graders: ‘Who can draw?  Who can sing?  Who can dance?’ everyone’s hand goes up.  If you pose the same question to a group of 6^th graders, half the hands go up. If you ask it again in 11^th grade only one or two hands will rise.”

Therein lies our problem.  Since creativity affords no absolute measure, the challenge shifts to how we perceive ourselves, and our abilities. Showering, it appears, is a wonderful way to spark creativity (one international study found that 72% of people get their best ideas in the shower).  But beyond the waterfall, the key is creating daily opportunities (cooking, gardening, long walks) that allow our mind to relax and unwind from the pressing demands of the day. 

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Should you pay your kids to do their homework?

If you’re paying your kids to do their homework, it just might be time to cash it in.

Not that it can’t work.  It can, and it does.  One study*, in fact, found that paying children to complete their homework raised math scores by three-quarters of a grade (though no similar increases were realized for reading, social science and science). And other studies have shown that paying for homework is far more effective than paying for grades.

But a rising tide of research, and psychological analysis, points in the opposite direction. Three key conclusions:

1.      Paying your child to do their homework is a short-term solution. Explains psychologist and author Eileen Kennedy-Moore, as quoted in a time.com article penned by Francine Russo: “The occasional parental bribe won’t turn a child into a pumpkin and may be useful for getting over a short-term hump with a specific behavior. . . . But for more important and more long-lasting behaviors, it makes sense to look for more enduring solutions.” Added Kennedy-Moore: “[Paying kids to complete their homework] can lead to a very unattractive bargaining attitude, where kids demand, ‘What do I get if I do that?’ ”

2. Monetary rewards can undermine intrinsic motivation for learning. Explained Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, in an article for education.com: “Unfortunately, well-known research by Edward L. Deci and others concluded that students who were paid for specific activities exhibited a decrease in intrinsic motivation to perform those activities. Many studies since Deci’s groundbreaking research replicated the findings that any kind of rewards – whether candy, class credits, awards, tokens or prizes – have the same result: a weakened internal drive toward the rewarded behavior.”

3.      Cycle of dependency. An article at webmd.com quotes author Elizabeth Pantley: “Although the bribe can produce short-term results -- stopping temper tantrums or getting a kid to do homework – it can also ‘up the ante’, setting up a continuous cycle of crying and bad behavior.”

In her article for time.com, Russo cites research by Harvard economist Roland Fryer who conducted a series of randomized experiments to see if “paying kids to do academic tasks like reading more books” would improve academic performance. It didn’t. Fryer’s conclusion (after paying $6.3 million to 38,000 students in 261 schools): “The impact of financial incentives on student achievement is statistically zero in each city,” according to his study findings which were published in the Quarterly Journal of Economics.

Solutions?

So if greenbacks aren’t the best idea, what’s a parent to do?  When your child says “I’ll do it later,” or “I don’t have any homework,” what’s the best approach? Below are half a dozen suggestions, courtesy of experts in the field, to help you navigate the homework minefield.

1.      “Eliminate the word ‘homework’ from your vocabulary and replace it with the word ‘study’”, according to Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller, authors of “The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose.” In other words, have “study” time, and set up a “study” table. Say Moorman and Haller: “This word change alone will go a long way toward eliminating the problem of your child saying, ‘I don't have any homework’."

2.      Replace monetary and external rewards with encouraging verbal responses, add Moorman and Haller. And Nancy Cedillo, of Liberty Township, agrees (as quoted in a piece by Cindy Kranz, writing for the Cincinnati Enquirer): “I believe verbal praise and lots of it is the way to go - complimenting them lots and lots on the quality of their work and on not complaining about it. . . . With the reward system, they get the message that they're doing it for mom and dad, and to get this or that. Then, when the next assignment or job come up they'll think, ‘What will I get if I do this?' It's the wrong message.”

3.      Ignore the whining.

4.      Keep ‘em close. Explains James Lehman, writing for empoweringparents.com: “For a lot of kids, sending them to their rooms to do their homework is a mistake. Many children need your presence while they work. We call that technique ‘proximity’.”

5.      Remove distractions – TV, Internet, phone, iPad.

6. Reward your children with the gift of time, not material benefit.

Finally, some important perspective from Kranz: “Parents have to realize lack of academic motivation is pretty normal. You need to take the attitude there's nothing wrong with your kid. He just doesn't want to sit there and do math problems. He's not rebellious. You're not a bad mom. He's not a bad kid.”

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*Eric Bettinger, an education policy expert at Stanford University, reported slight improvements only in math scores. The modest improvements, where they occurred in both sets of experiments, says Bettinger, should not be completely dismissed. “The math scores showed about a three-quarters of a grade improvement, which is nothing to scoff at.” It’s possible, the researchers say, that different study conditions might produce better results, but so far the evidence doesn’t support the benefits of enticing children with money.

A little less L&L, a little more R&R

“The whole world can't lick us but we can lick ourselves by longing too hard 

for things we haven't got any more - and by remembering too much.” 

– Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

“You cannot find strength by loathing.” 

– Lailah Gifty Akita

We long for cloudless days, a slimmer body, time off, fine wine, erotic love, a long life, fame and fortune. We long for justice, happy endings and long, restful evenings. There often seems no end to the things for which we long.

In the world of private thought, “longing” seems the most natural of human forces. What power they hold! Longing incites our imagination and motivates us to help those we love and those who suffer.

But, there are perils. Longing can hijack our lives and, too easily, cause disappointment, suffering and, in extreme cases, depression. When we long, it is said, we risk losing the moment. Can we resist? Unlikely. Instead, our challenge is to identify when longing turns from idle wonder to unhappiness – that is worth knowing.

Which leads to our first three questions: What do you long for? How much time do you spend longing? and Do your longings energize or enervate?

And then there’s loathing – longings’ evil twin. We long for Friday afternoons and loath Monday mornings. We long for the “good ’ole days” and loath daily demands. We loath public speaking, final exams, traffic, taxes, and household chores, and long for the moment they’re complete. 

What do you loath? How much time do you spend loathing? and Do your loathings lift you up or drain your spirit?

Our challenge is not to resist, says author Steve Hagen, but to recognize when longing and loathing interfere with our lives. Says Hagen: “When you notice that your mind is caught up in longing and loathing – leaning toward or away from something – don't try to stop it from leaning. As we've seen, trying to make a leaning mind stop leaning is just another form of leaning. ('I really want not to have a leaning mind'). Just be aware when your mind is leaning, and realize what leaning of mind actually is. With practice and attention to this moment, your mind will, of its own accord, lean less.”

As for rest and relaxation, healthywellbeing.com encourages us to listen to relaxing music, to sleep, to stretch, or do yoga. Or, perhaps, do nothing at all. They suggest that we: 1. Schedule time to rest and relax; 2. Ask for help from friends and family to take care of the kids; 3. Cancel unimportant appointments; and 4. Share housework/chores and responsibilities with others.

So, when opportunity strikes, try a little less L&L and a little more R&R.  You’ll be healthier for it.

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Is marriage on the way out?

The statistics are clear: with each passing decade fewer Americans are marrying, and fewer still are committed to the need for, and necessity of, the institution.  The reasons are clear but the long-term impact is not. 

Two statistics stand out:

·        Never married: by the year 2040, the Pew Research Center estimates that 25% of Americans will have never been married.

·        Life priorities: the Center posed this question to adult Americans of all ages: “Which statement best reflects your view? Society is better off if people make marriage and having children a priority, or society is just as well off if people have priorities other than marriage and children.” Of those ages 18-29, 67% said society is just as well off if people have priorities other than marriage and children. 

Why the retreat from marriage? 

Psychologists, economists and analysts cite a wealth of factors, among them:

·        The independence hypothesis: now that women have surpassed men in terms of college degrees and the wage gap is narrowing, their increased economic independence reduces their need for marriage;

·        Changes in technology, the law and cultural norms: the stigmas of cohabitation and children born out of wedlock are weakening, and technology has reduced the risks of premarital sex; and

·        Welfare programs: author Charles Murray, a political scientist for the American Enterprise Institute, argues that government welfare benefits and welfare policy has contributed, and possibly caused, the retreat from marriage.

The Big Shift

Without question, the traditional family model is fading – the fact is, this trend has been apparent for decades. In modern marriages (referred to, by some, as “hedonic” marriages), “there is little gender-based division of labor” and “consumption benefits are paramount,” according to professors Shelly Lundberg and Robert Pollak, in their article “The Evolving Role of Marriage: 1950-2010.” Lundberg and Pollak point out that where marriage once focused on production of household services, it now has shifted to investing in childrens’ human capital (clearly there are other driving forces – for older couples, for instance, marriage is both a symbol of commitment, and a desire to care for one another).  Said Lundberg and Pollak: “In our view, long-term commitment is valuable in early 21^st century America primarily because it promotes investment in children.”

At first glance, of course, this shift sounds desirable – after all, who isn’t in favor of supporting the next generation? The data is clear: those who can invest heavily in our children continue to marry, while those who cannot are less inclined to tie the knot (added Lundberg and Pollak: “For couples who lack the resources to invest intensively in their children . . . marriage may not be worth the cost of limited independence and potential mismatch”).

It all sounds reasonable enough. Except for one thing: this trend is creating a huge gap in “equality of opportunity.”  So more attention to equality of opportunity, not marriage per se, may be the golden ticket needed to lift up future generations.

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Are you stressed? Worry not, it might just be a good thing!

It may be time to rethink your view about stress.  

It isn’t always a bad thing.

Stress, we’re now learning, is part of our body’s survival system, a motivational force that helps us grow and accomplish tasks. Some researchers, in fact, maintain that it strengthens our immune system and boosts memory.

So let’s pause, for a moment, to distinguish good stress (known as “eustress”) from bad, and who better to teach us than Stanford professor Kelly McGonigal, author of “The Upside of Stress” who holds degrees in psychology and humanistic medicine.  Said McGonigal in an interview with goop.com:

“The most basic [notion] that’s faulty is the premise that there’s only one stress response, and that every time you experience stress you’re in a toxic state. That’s fundamentally not true. The body has a whole repertoire of stress responses. Sometimes when we experience stress we’re experiencing a state that is healthy, that makes us resilient, that makes us more caring and connected, that makes us more courageous. The experience might be physically similar in some ways to stress states that we would describe as debilitating anxiety or other negative stress states, but they are not toxic. There are a lot of different ways to experience stress.”

Stress, of course, is a neutral term (much like the word “diet” which now is associated solely with losing weight), defined by Hans Selye in 1936 as a “non-specific response of the body to any demand for change.” But over the years, McGonigal points out, it has come to be associated with “almost everything that defines what it means to be human.” Adds the Institute of Stress (yes, there is one, in Fort Worth, Texas): “Stress is not a useful term for scientists because it is such a highly subjective phenomenon.” 

Harnessing Eustress

Villanova University’s Division of Student Life offers a series of solid tips for managing stress. They define stress as “the body's way of rising to a challenge and preparing to meet a tough situation with focus, strength, stamina, and heightened alertness.”  Their seven tips (which, though geared to students, might help all of us) are:

1. “Avoid overscheduling;

2. Be realistic – don’t try to be perfect, no one is;

3. Get a good night’s sleep;

4. Learn to relax;

5. Treat your body well;

6. Watch what you’re thinking; and

7. Solve the little problems – learning to solve everyday problems can give you a sense of control.”

Kimberly Snyder adds five additional tips, four common ones and one that’s somewhat unique – her five:  acceptance, breathe, meditate, exercise and volunteer (apparently, there’s strong research to support the notion that volunteering counteracts negative stress).

Stress and Decision Making

And how does stress affect your decision-making process?  A research study published by the National Institutes of Health* reports two major findings:

1.      Positive vs. Negative Outcomes – When we’re feeling stressed (probably the bad kind), we tend to overemphasize the positive outcomes and minimize the negative outcomes (the authors maintain that this is “possibly due to stress-induced changes in dopamine in reward-processing brain regions”); and

2.      Risky Decisions, Male vs. Female – Explained the authors: “Stress alters decision strategies – but in opposite ways for men versus women. . . Stress amplifies gender differences in strategies during risky decisions, with males taking more risk and females less risk under stress.”

* “Both Risk and Reward are Processed Differently in Decisions Made Under Stress”, authored by Mara Mather and Nicole Lighthall

How many bumps have you had today?

“We can’t have a crisis tomorrow.  My schedule is already full.” – Henry Kissinger

Looking for a bump-free day?  So am I. But I shouldn’t be.

A more realistic life-view would accede to the “Theory of Six Bumps,” which states simply: each day will surprise us with six bumps, that is, moments that we fail to anticipate, but must deal with nonetheless. The dog gets sick and does her business on the carpet (bump #1) . . . a friend desperately needs a ride to drop off his car (bump #2) . . . on our way to the office, we realize that we forgot one critical piece for the afternoon meeting (bump #3).

Bumps, of course, come in all shapes and sizes (misplaced keys, traffic at a standstill), and if we’re lucky, most bumps will be mild in nature. Certain ones may consume our lives for a stretch (e.g., sickness and weather-related tragedies), but the true casualty is our dream for a bump-free day. It may be time to revise that dream. Instead of anticipating a day free of mishaps (hope springs eternal), embrace the notion that, every day, you’ll encounter six bumps (some more demanding than others).  Rest assured, they’re coming.

Some time ago I shared the Theory of Six Bumps with my sister, and less than 48 hours later she called and reported, “Well, I’ve already had my six bumps today.” It was 10:30 in the morning (ouch!) and, as best I can recall, the bumps involved a parking ticket, a broken coffee pot and a computer glitch – not an ideal morning! I immediately thought to myself, then shared with my sister: “Well, it looks like you’re clear for the rest of the day.” She laughed, then recounted the frustrating details of her morning.

I often give voice to my bumps. Rushing to a morning meeting, I spot a traffic jam up ahead. Inside I’m thinking: “Bump #1”. Hours later, on the checkout line, I discover that I don’t have my credit card (bump #2) because I gave it to my daughter (an altogether different kind of bump). Once home, I realize that I’ve neglected to shut off the outside water valve and discover that the water line has burst (bump #3, and a sizable one at that).

Of late, one particular bump stands out: it’s Saturday morning, around 9:30am, when my wife hears a strange noise emanating from the air vent.  Within minutes we realize what’s happened: an animal is trapped in the duct system. As my frustration begins to mount, that this Saturday is about to disappear, I smiled to myself and said aloud: “Ah, bump #1.”  Six hours later the problem was resolved (I call this a “multi-hour bump”). And while frustration was still a part of my profile, the recognition helped immensely.

Might a bump-free day lie in your future?  Don’t count on it. Instead, just sit back and relax – and count ‘em if you wish.  But know this – the bumps will arrive again tomorrow . . . and the day after that.

Embrace ’em.  It’ll make life a heckuva lot easier.

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