It’s called BYAF, which stands for “But You Are Free,” and
here’s how it works: when you ask someone to do something, add the phrase “but
you are free” to the end, as in: “But obviously don’t feel obliged,” or “but of
course you are free to do as you like.”
The psychology behind it is transparent – you’re letting
someone know that they have the right to choose. And despite its simplicity, Carpenter reports
that it is extremely effectively, roughly doubling the chances that someone
will say yes to the request.
And the actual words you use don't seem to matter.
Instead, the key is being face to face with someone, not doing it over the
phone, by letter or email (side note: research did support some benefits via
email, but significantly less than a face to face encounter).
How often should be use this technique? Well, don’t over do it, as Melanie Pinola
explains, in a piece for lifehacker.com:
“Obviously, you wouldn't want to
use this technique all the time, lest you start looking like someone with
passive-aggressive issues (‘Hey, honey, can you take out the garbage? But you
are free not to’), but acknowledging the other person's ability to choose could
make them feel more empowered (and on your side). It even works on stubborn
children and adults sometimes (‘I like this choice best. But you're free to
choose another one.’)
Interested in other persuasion techniques? Check out these two:
Switch to the
present tense
Jay Heinrich, author of “Thank You for Arguing: What
Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of
Persuasion,” offers a list of 10 ways to persuade people and ranks “switching
to the present tense” as his #1. The web
site sourcesofinsight.com quotes Heinrich, who shares this wonderful example:
“My son George is a master of this essential tool of argument. One
morning I found myself stranded in the bathroom, wearing only a towel, with a
completely empty tube of toothpaste. I knew the likely perpetrator.
‘George!’ I yelled. ‘Who used up
all the toothpaste?’
I heard my 27-year-old’s
sarcastic voice on the other side of the door. ‘That’s not the point, is it,
Dad?’ George said. ‘The point is, how are we going to keep this from happening
again?’
He had me. George lived through
my rhetoric research and heard me read aloud from every draft of my book. He
knew that the most productive arguments use the future tense, the language of
choices and decisions. It works like a charm. When you’re accused of something
(past tense) or insulted (present), switch tenses. Talk about how to correct
the situation or improve the relationship. That’s the stuff of the future. Aristotle
called this kind of persuasion ‘deliberative argument.’ It was his favorite
kind of rhetoric, and you can see why. It takes the anger out of
confrontations.”
Whisper in the
right ear
Believe it or not, this appears to be true. If you want someone to do something, it’s
better to whisper in their right ear than their left, according to three
studies by Dr. Luca Tommasi and Daniele Marzoli from the University Gabriele
d'Annunzio in Chieti, Italy. The researchers conducted three studies in a
nightclub setting, observing listening patterns (right ear vs. left ear) of
more than 200 subjects. In the third
study, a woman approached 176 individuals and asked them for a cigarette. Clubbers were twice as likely to hand over a
cigarette if the request was directed at the right ear (regardless if the
person asked was a man or a woman). According
to the web site socialservice.tumblr.com:
“These findings confirm previous
studies which have found a right-ear preference for attending to and processing
verbal stimuli. It is thought that this is because language is preferentially
processed by the left side of the brain, which receives its input from the
right ear.”
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