A sage once said in order to make love last, you have to
put it first. And she was probably right.
The secret to making love last, of course, is that there
is no secret, no magic formula, no environmental elixir. It’s easy to recognize that it takes a bit of
luck to find a good partner, and a great deal of resolve to first find
yourself. And if good fortune comes our
way (in career, health and family) we clearly have a better chance of making
love last.
The other day I asked island resident Marty Loeb, who
just turned 83: “How do you make love last?” And Marty answered: “It’s simple.
If it’s important to her, it’s important to me; and if it’s important to me,
it’s important to her.” Clear, unambiguous, genuine.
So how do you make love last? After culling through more than 200 tips, I’m
here to report that no two are exactly the same. Some do leave an impression,
however. Here are six of those.
Tip #1: Focus on your loved one’s best qualities, not their worst.
“See the best in your love,” is
the sound advice from 14 authors at wikihow.com. “If you want to make love
last, then you should focus on your loved one's best qualities – not their
worst qualities. Though you can be honest about your loved one's
less-than-ideal qualities, you should focus on his or her ability to make you
laugh, their intelligence, and their great smile instead of how they're always
late or that they spend too much time on their cell phone. A survey of 470
studies on compatibility revealed that the one thing many long-lasting
relationships have in common is ‘positive illusions,’ which allow the people in
the relationship to see each other in a positive light.”
Tip #2: Develop your “mating skills”
The central notion here is that
each of us needs to recognize that relationships demand skill to flourish (key
skills: patience, loyalty and trust). So first identify what skills are
important (e.g., ability to communicate, to listen, and be compassionate), and
take active steps to enhance them. Don’t assume that these skills will develop
naturally – they must be nurtured.
Explained Roy Smith, life coach, at www.makinglovelastforever.com:
“One of the most important things I have learned is that a couple's willingness
to educate themselves over the span of their relationship will dramatically improve
their chances of long-term relationship success.”
Tip #3: Share a 6-second kiss
every day
Probably my favorite.
Tip #4: Learn from Parrots
In an article for eHarmony,
author Daniel Amen quotes neurologist Barbara Wilson, who trains parrots. Said
Amen: “She says they have taught her important lessons about relationships that
many humans could benefit from: Share your food with the one you love, groom
each other, sing constantly, build nests together, and repeat each other’s
words and actions.”
Tip #5: Don’t Keep
Score
Said lawyer Tim Hoch, in a piece titled "50 Rules for Married Couples": “I know a
couple who keeps track of the number of times each partner completes a
household chore. Don’t do this. It’s exhausting. And childish.”
Tip #6: Dismantle
the “soul mate myth” and “burn your blueprint”
Hoch urges us to burn our blueprint and rid ourselves "of whatever fantasies you harbor about the bliss of married life.
They’re not helping. There is no script, so don’t be disappointed when your
fairytale gets hijacked.”
In an article written for
oprah.com, author Scott Stanley, cofounder of the Prevention and Relationship
Enhancement Program, believes that the “soul mate myth” is making harder for
relationships to develop, and flourish, particularly for males. Said the article: “A 2001 study found that 94
percent of young adults expect a soul mate for a life partner. In [Stanley’s]
experience, women tend to outgrow this fantasy, but a significant number of men
say the reason they're not marrying their live-in girlfriend is that they're
not sure she's ‘the one’.”
Beyond these six, of course, are hundreds of tips – some
more familiar than others: make time for romance, allow for transitions,
apologize when you’re wrong, use all of your senses, display affection, learn
to compromise, have fun with your partner, practice self-acceptance, practice
gratitude and optimism, accept your circumstances, learn to forgive, invite
growth, flirt, walk, read to each other.
Grab any one that has meaning for you. But put love first.
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