Why are we so afraid of solitude?

Why are we so afraid of solitude?

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Successful modern life seems to involve constantly being connected with other people, working very hard for as much money as possible, and doing what we are told. However, some of the best advice about modern life comes from an unemployed writer who lived alone in the woods and refused to pay his taxes.” – Journalist Tazeen Ahmad

Author Sara Maitland may have said it best: how is it that, in a society that values individualism, personal autonomy, independence and fulfillment, we’re so afraid of solitude. And why do we think that “being alone” is the same as “being lonely”?

Notes Susan Cain, author of Quiet: “Introversion, along with its cousins sensitivity, seriousness, and shyness, is now a second-class personality trait, somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology.” How did this come to be?

It’s the message. Here’s what we’re hearing at every social-media turn: to thrive in today’s society you must be outgoing, intent on seeking thrills, expanding your friend circle and constantly networking. The message, no doubt, is doing more harm than good.

Writes Diana Vilibert, in a piece for care2.com: “[Why are extroverts seen as] smarter, more interesting and more competent . . . even though there’s no actual link between talking a lot and having good ideas?” Vilibert goes on: “The loudest person is the room isn’t necessarily the most talented . . . and introverts know that.”

It’s time that introversion took center stage, time to acknowledge its inherent strengths (if you’re interested in where you stand on the introvert-ambivert-extrovert scale, try the 10 questions below, posed by Journalist Tazeen Ahmad). 

What’s the difference between an introvert and an extrovert? It’s all about energy, that is, whether your energy comes from socializing or solitude. Explains Jennifer Dawn Gabiola, in an article for the Huffington Post: “An introvert is not shy or anti-social. An introvert is a person who needs quiet time to recharge and feel connected with themselves. They need stillness and quiet to fuel their energy. Tuning in to themselves gives them the energy they need before engaging with the outside world.”

Gabiola goes on to share an introvert’s natural strengths: “[Introverts] are intuitive and insightful . . . they are natural observers . . . excellent listeners . . . deep thinkers and thoughtful communicators . . . compassionate and sensitive to others needs.”  Says Gabiola: “Which leads me to the #1 superpower that introverts have that others can’t touch — the ability to create truly deep and meaningful one-on-one relationships. Introverts have the natural ability to create strong and lasting connections.”

Adds Vilibert: “Introverts are better at delaying gratification . . . Introverts are actually great leaders . . . Best of all? Introverts can masquerade as extroverts when necessary, if you believe the Free Trait Theory (the idea that while we’re born with certain personality traits, we can act out of character in the service of “core personal projects”).

In a spirited TED talk, Ahmad charts the pathway to giving introversion its due. Ahmad runs a series of workshops at The School of Life, and her teaser descriptions tell the tale:

·        Introversion – A Superpower: “In a society that thrives on brain-storming and team work, the voice of the solitude-seeking, analytically-minded introvert is often drowned out. This workshop will explore how introverts can use their specific skill set to thrive in their professional life.”

·        Introverted Leaders – “We often think of successful leaders as charismatic, charming, extrovert types. But as many as 60% of all leaders are in fact introverts. This workshop is designed to help people who feel their introversion holds them back. Leave feeling able to connect, manage and perform with more confidence.”

·        How to Spend Time Alone – “In popular culture, the definition of happiness seems to mean surrounding yourself with a merry group of friends and having fun all day every day, whilst being 'alone' and being 'lonely' are considered synonymous. Being alone can be frightening but there is also much to be gained from solitude.”

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The Quiz: How many of these are true for you?

1.      Best in quiet environments; 1-to-1 interaction;

2.      Listen rather than talk;

3.      Think before responding;

4.      Like to email ideas rather than brain-storm;

5.      Don’t want to show or discuss work until finished;

6.      Your best work is alone;

7.      Prefer lectures to seminars;

8.      Need time by yourself or you get cranky;

9.      Have fewer friends but the friendships are deep;

10.   Prefer to review issue alone before sharing.

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