Friendships: Is it possible to be honest without being negative?

Friendships: Is it possible to be honest without being negative?

“Honesty may hurt for a bit, but blunt burns forever.”- Kate Nasser

How honest should a good friend be?

Says Steven Handel, author of www.theemotionmachine.com: “A good friend needs to be honest, and that sometimes means touching on subjects that aren’t always very comfortable to talk about. At the same time, we need to do it in a healthy and respectful way.  Bullying, insults, and peer pressure are all negative and counterproductive ways of being honest with someone. One recent study found that when individuals are made fun of for their obesity, they are actually driven to gain more weight.”

The authors at Wikihow.com remind us: “Remember that honesty is the basis of all healthy relationships, whether with a friend, a significant other, co-worker or any other person. Honesty gives rise to trust, which is essential for maintaining relationships.”

Some tips from the pros:

·        Avoid “You.” Never start a sentence with the word “you” in difficult situations, according to Kate Nasser, the People-Skills Coach, who explains: “Imagine saying, ‘You aren’t doing your job’ or ‘You are failing badly.’ Starting with ‘you’ sets the hearing up for a blunt attack and a defensive reply. Saying: ‘Here is what we are expecting from you and this is what you are doing. We need these changes’ . . . Now the person can hear your message and has specifics on what to change.”

·        Do it in private. Says Handel: “You don’t want the person to feel like they are being pressured by a bunch of people all at once.” The authors at Wikihow agree: “Seek a favorable environment for divulging the truth. Don't tell the person something potentially hurtful or embarrassing in front of other people––try to speak to them alone. . . .”

·        Face to face is best.  “Face-to-face is best,” according to the authors at Wikihow, “it lets the other person read your body language and helps them put your words into emotional perspective.”

·        Ask three questions. When you’re on the verge of sharing your “honest opinion,” the Wikihow authors recommend, ask yourself “the trilogy of essential questions when deciding whether your honesty is coming from a place of good intent: ‘Is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?’ If you can't answer all of these in the affirmative, then your ‘honesty’ probably has the wrong motivation (such as spite, anger or revenge) and you'll need to rethink what you intend to communicate, if anything.” They add: “Distinguish between jealousy and honesty. Jealousy is not tactful, caring or considerate of reality. . . . Do not confuse the two.”

·        Rehearse.  “If you need to rehearse, do so!” say the authors at Wikihow.

·        Watch your speed. Explains Nasser: “The faster you speak in tough moments, the more brutal it sounds. Meanwhile, speaking too slowly or softly risks sounding patronizing. Using a normal even pace of speech communicates honesty and avoids the brutality.”

·        Focus on the emotional impact, not just the message. Adds Nasser: “Much of the brutal bluntness comes from focusing only on the message you want to deliver. Oddly enough, it makes the message less clear because the emotion blocks the other person’s listening. Before speaking, ask yourself what impact your words will have on people. Honesty without honoring the human comes out blunt.”

·        Consider the person. “Consider the person with whom you must be honest,” say the authors at Wikihow.com, who add: “Don't be brash or too pointed where the person is usually shy or very sensitive. Take into account their nature when adapting your message. There will be a different approach between telling your best friend something delicate and motivating a slack co-worker with whom you are trying to complete a project.”

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