Friendships: Is it possible to be honest without being negative?

Friendships: Is it possible to be honest without being negative?

“Honesty may hurt for a bit, but blunt burns forever.”- Kate Nasser

How honest should a good friend be?

Says Steven Handel, author of www.theemotionmachine.com: “A good friend needs to be honest, and that sometimes means touching on subjects that aren’t always very comfortable to talk about. At the same time, we need to do it in a healthy and respectful way.  Bullying, insults, and peer pressure are all negative and counterproductive ways of being honest with someone. One recent study found that when individuals are made fun of for their obesity, they are actually driven to gain more weight.”

The authors at Wikihow.com remind us: “Remember that honesty is the basis of all healthy relationships, whether with a friend, a significant other, co-worker or any other person. Honesty gives rise to trust, which is essential for maintaining relationships.”

Some tips from the pros:

·        Avoid “You.” Never start a sentence with the word “you” in difficult situations, according to Kate Nasser, the People-Skills Coach, who explains: “Imagine saying, ‘You aren’t doing your job’ or ‘You are failing badly.’ Starting with ‘you’ sets the hearing up for a blunt attack and a defensive reply. Saying: ‘Here is what we are expecting from you and this is what you are doing. We need these changes’ . . . Now the person can hear your message and has specifics on what to change.”

·        Do it in private. Says Handel: “You don’t want the person to feel like they are being pressured by a bunch of people all at once.” The authors at Wikihow agree: “Seek a favorable environment for divulging the truth. Don't tell the person something potentially hurtful or embarrassing in front of other people––try to speak to them alone. . . .”

·        Face to face is best.  “Face-to-face is best,” according to the authors at Wikihow, “it lets the other person read your body language and helps them put your words into emotional perspective.”

·        Ask three questions. When you’re on the verge of sharing your “honest opinion,” the Wikihow authors recommend, ask yourself “the trilogy of essential questions when deciding whether your honesty is coming from a place of good intent: ‘Is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?’ If you can't answer all of these in the affirmative, then your ‘honesty’ probably has the wrong motivation (such as spite, anger or revenge) and you'll need to rethink what you intend to communicate, if anything.” They add: “Distinguish between jealousy and honesty. Jealousy is not tactful, caring or considerate of reality. . . . Do not confuse the two.”

·        Rehearse.  “If you need to rehearse, do so!” say the authors at Wikihow.

·        Watch your speed. Explains Nasser: “The faster you speak in tough moments, the more brutal it sounds. Meanwhile, speaking too slowly or softly risks sounding patronizing. Using a normal even pace of speech communicates honesty and avoids the brutality.”

·        Focus on the emotional impact, not just the message. Adds Nasser: “Much of the brutal bluntness comes from focusing only on the message you want to deliver. Oddly enough, it makes the message less clear because the emotion blocks the other person’s listening. Before speaking, ask yourself what impact your words will have on people. Honesty without honoring the human comes out blunt.”

·        Consider the person. “Consider the person with whom you must be honest,” say the authors at Wikihow.com, who add: “Don't be brash or too pointed where the person is usually shy or very sensitive. Take into account their nature when adapting your message. There will be a different approach between telling your best friend something delicate and motivating a slack co-worker with whom you are trying to complete a project.”

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Why are we so afraid of solitude?

Why are we so afraid of solitude?

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Successful modern life seems to involve constantly being connected with other people, working very hard for as much money as possible, and doing what we are told. However, some of the best advice about modern life comes from an unemployed writer who lived alone in the woods and refused to pay his taxes.” – Journalist Tazeen Ahmad

Author Sara Maitland may have said it best: how is it that, in a society that values individualism, personal autonomy, independence and fulfillment, we’re so afraid of solitude. And why do we think that “being alone” is the same as “being lonely”?

Notes Susan Cain, author of Quiet: “Introversion, along with its cousins sensitivity, seriousness, and shyness, is now a second-class personality trait, somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology.” How did this come to be?

It’s the message. Here’s what we’re hearing at every social-media turn: to thrive in today’s society you must be outgoing, intent on seeking thrills, expanding your friend circle and constantly networking. The message, no doubt, is doing more harm than good.

Writes Diana Vilibert, in a piece for care2.com: “[Why are extroverts seen as] smarter, more interesting and more competent . . . even though there’s no actual link between talking a lot and having good ideas?” Vilibert goes on: “The loudest person is the room isn’t necessarily the most talented . . . and introverts know that.”

It’s time that introversion took center stage, time to acknowledge its inherent strengths (if you’re interested in where you stand on the introvert-ambivert-extrovert scale, try the 10 questions below, posed by Journalist Tazeen Ahmad). 

What’s the difference between an introvert and an extrovert? It’s all about energy, that is, whether your energy comes from socializing or solitude. Explains Jennifer Dawn Gabiola, in an article for the Huffington Post: “An introvert is not shy or anti-social. An introvert is a person who needs quiet time to recharge and feel connected with themselves. They need stillness and quiet to fuel their energy. Tuning in to themselves gives them the energy they need before engaging with the outside world.”

Gabiola goes on to share an introvert’s natural strengths: “[Introverts] are intuitive and insightful . . . they are natural observers . . . excellent listeners . . . deep thinkers and thoughtful communicators . . . compassionate and sensitive to others needs.”  Says Gabiola: “Which leads me to the #1 superpower that introverts have that others can’t touch — the ability to create truly deep and meaningful one-on-one relationships. Introverts have the natural ability to create strong and lasting connections.”

Adds Vilibert: “Introverts are better at delaying gratification . . . Introverts are actually great leaders . . . Best of all? Introverts can masquerade as extroverts when necessary, if you believe the Free Trait Theory (the idea that while we’re born with certain personality traits, we can act out of character in the service of “core personal projects”).

In a spirited TED talk, Ahmad charts the pathway to giving introversion its due. Ahmad runs a series of workshops at The School of Life, and her teaser descriptions tell the tale:

·        Introversion – A Superpower: “In a society that thrives on brain-storming and team work, the voice of the solitude-seeking, analytically-minded introvert is often drowned out. This workshop will explore how introverts can use their specific skill set to thrive in their professional life.”

·        Introverted Leaders – “We often think of successful leaders as charismatic, charming, extrovert types. But as many as 60% of all leaders are in fact introverts. This workshop is designed to help people who feel their introversion holds them back. Leave feeling able to connect, manage and perform with more confidence.”

·        How to Spend Time Alone – “In popular culture, the definition of happiness seems to mean surrounding yourself with a merry group of friends and having fun all day every day, whilst being 'alone' and being 'lonely' are considered synonymous. Being alone can be frightening but there is also much to be gained from solitude.”

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The Quiz: How many of these are true for you?

1.      Best in quiet environments; 1-to-1 interaction;

2.      Listen rather than talk;

3.      Think before responding;

4.      Like to email ideas rather than brain-storm;

5.      Don’t want to show or discuss work until finished;

6.      Your best work is alone;

7.      Prefer lectures to seminars;

8.      Need time by yourself or you get cranky;

9.      Have fewer friends but the friendships are deep;

10.   Prefer to review issue alone before sharing.

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What works better – positive or negative thinking?

What works better – positive or negative thinking?

There’s a new strategy in town for achieving your goals – it’s called “mental contrasting” and it demonstrates that, if we wish to reach our goals, we have to do more than simply visualize them.  The term “mental contrasting” was coined by Gabriele Oettingen and colleagues (at New York University’s psychology lab) and their studies support the notion that simply visualizing a positive outcome doesn’t particularly work. 

And when's the best time to employ mental contrasting? When you're feeling good, not when you're down in the dumps. 

Explained psychologist Christian Jarrett, in an article posted on www.99u.com: “[Otettingen's studies found that] visualizing our aims as already achieved can backfire. The positive imagery can be inspiring at first, but it also tricks the mind into relaxing, as if the hard work is done. This means the more compelling the mental scene of success, the more likely it is that your energy will seep away.”

Oettingen and Andreas Kappes, in a paper titled “Mental Contrasting of Future and Reality,” explained: “In mental contrasting, people first imagine the attainment of a desired future (e.g., becoming a lawyer, writing an article) and thereafter reflect on the present reality that stands in the way of attaining the desired future (e.g., excessive partying, having little time). Thus, contrasting fantasies about the future with reflections on reality is a problem-solving strategy . . . .”

So what works better?  Indulging in thoughts about reaching your goal, or mental contrasting? Oettinger and colleagues report on their findings:

“Participants in one condition were taught to use mental contrasting regarding their everyday concerns, while participants in the other condition were taught to indulge. Two weeks later, participants in the mental-contrasting condition reported to have fared better in managing their time and decision making during everyday life than those in the indulging condition. By helping people to set expectancy-dependent goals, teaching the metacognitive strategy of mental contrasting can be a cost- and time-effective tool to help people manage the demands of their everyday life.”

In one fascinating study, Oettingen and colleagues evaluated the impact of positive vs. negative feedback on goal achievement.  Here’s how they set it up, as described by Jarrett:

“Dozens of volunteers took part in what they thought was an investigation into creativity. Half the study participants were given false feedback on a test of their creative potential, with their results inflated to suggest that they'd excelled. In advance of the main challenge – a series of creative insight problems – some of the participants were then taught mental contrasting: writing about how good it would feel to smash the problems, and then writing about the likely obstacles to achieving that feat, such as daydreaming.

"The best performers on the insight problems were those participants who'd received the positive feedback about their potential and who'd performed mental contrasting. They out-classed their peers who'd received inflated feedback but only indulged in positive thoughts, and they outperformed those participants who'd received negative feedback (regardless of whether they, too, performed mental contrasting).”

Bottom line: the best time to employ mental contrasting (e.g., focusing on obstacles to overcome) is when you’re in positive mood, when excitement is high and adrenaline is flowing, not when you’re down in the dumps.  So wait until the energy flows, then consider the steps you need to take to get there (wherever there might be).

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Head over heels in love?

Head over heels in love? 

(Author’s note: if a body part is missing, feel free to take the shirt off my back)  

She was a sight for sore eyes.  They’d been separated for just six months, but when you’re head over heels in love, six months can feel like a lifetime.

When he left, to travel halfway around the world, she was heartbroken, and his heartfelt words: “Keep your chin up” fell on deaf ears.  To survive the separation, she purchased an expensive piece of art (freely admitting to a friend one day: “It cost me an arm and a leg”). 

Over the years, her penchant for buying expensive works was a bone of contention, after all – he worked his fingers to the bone to support them, and here she was, in the twinkling of an eye, drawing down the account.  He racked his brain to find a solution and tried his best to remind her: “You know, dear, we’re just getting by, by the skin of our teeth,” but she was unable to heed the warnings. 

Fortunately, he had the presence of mind to know that when two lovers are apart, all bets are off. 

As his departure date neared, she began to give him the cold shoulder, preparing herself as best she could. He, on the other hand, came down with a severe case of cold feet, often asking himself: “Am I making a mistake?”

But he left, and though down in the mouth for weeks, he managed. Early each morning he composed a love letter, reminding her that she remained close to his heart. He missed her dearly, and his colleagues were quick to notice. Noted one: “His head is always in the clouds.”

He kept telling himself: “It’s mind over matter,” often recalling his friend’s assurance that, once abroad, she would be “out of sight, out of mind.”

But, alas, for him, it was not so – in the evenings he would cry his eyes out, giving lip service to the notion that his emotions would wane. He thought to himself: “I’d give my eye teeth to be back home with her,” and he had half a mind to quit, but he knew that leaving now would jeopardize his ability to rub elbows with the big wigs. 

Throughout the separation, she maintained a stiff upper lip.  But, deep down, his decision to leave left a bad taste in her mouth.  Yes, his love, expressed in letters, was music to her ears, but she remained bitter, and it opened the door for a young, handsome gentleman caller to sweep her off her feet.

She tried her best to keep the young Casanova at arm’s length, but she was falling fast. She told a friend one day: “He makes my toes curl.”  In jaw-dropping speed, she was suddenly, inexplicably, in love.  And her friends understood – after all, he was easy on the eyes (a close friend once confided: “He even leaves me weak in the knees”).

Ten thousand miles away, her first love caught wind of the dalliance.  He vowed to fight tooth and nail to keep her, telling a colleague: “I can’t let her slip through my fingers.”  And when a friend quietly told him: “I think you’re going to lose her,” he shot back: “Bite your tongue,” adding quickly: “Over my dead body.”

Now back in the States, in his neck of the woods, he committed to put his best foot forward.  Tired of the endless ribbing that he was “all skin and bones” (his lack of stature, he once shared, was his Achilles heel), he hired a professional and promised himself: “This time, I won’t drag my feet.” What were the chances of winning her back?  A friend of hers told him: “Don’t hold your breath,” but he was digging his heels in, determined to bend over backwards not to lose her.

Each day he rose bright-eyed and bushy tailed, certain that they would soon be reunited.  With his nose to the grindstone, his dream was soon realized.  As they nestled on the lawn, overlooking the pastoral lake, she turned to him and said: “I want to be with you forever,” to which he responded: “From your lips to God’s ears.”

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Anyone out there feeling a little anxious?

Anyone out there feeling a little anxious?

Anxiety. The word itself can make you anxious.  But the feeling isn’t always such a bad thing – it has its place, both as a motivating force and a way to keep us safe. Pointed out Jeremy Dean, author of PsyBlog: “Anxiety tells us we’re in danger and we need to do something. It was our anxious ancestors who prepared better for winter and made plans to fight off neighboring tribes. The relaxed, laid-back guys never made it.”

But while a moderate dose of anxiety may prolong our life, stronger doses clearly are uncomfortable, if not altogether debilitating.  And the numbers are striking: anxiety disorders affect 40 million adults in the U.S. (one in five), and 11 million children (one in eight) – far more common than one might think.  What’s the good news?  Anxiety disorders are highly treatable.  The bad news? “. . . only about one-third of those suffering receive treatment,” according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. 

So what’s an anxious person to do?  Listen to some expert advice: 

Exercise

It’s on everyone’s list – exercise reduces anxiety, and research shows that as little as 20 minutes a day can make a difference. Said Dean: “The benefits of a little workout extend beyond the gym . . . into everyday life. One study has found that although simply resting reduces anxiety, it doesn’t help protect against stressful events (Smith, 2013). Exercise, though, seems to have a more lasting effect, helping to reduce anxiety when faced with stressful situations afterwards. Indeed, many think exercise should be prescribed for depression and anxiety instead of drugs.”

Meditation

The Mayo Clinic explains that “spending a few minutes in meditation can restore your calm and inner peace.” Said the Clinic: “Anyone can practice meditation. It's simple and inexpensive, and it doesn't require any special equipment. And you can practice meditation wherever you are — whether you're out for a walk, riding the bus, waiting at the doctor's office or even in the middle of a difficult business meeting.”

Noted PsyBlog’s Dean: “To pick just one of many recent studies, Zeidan et al. (2013) found that four 20-minute meditation classes were enough to reduce anxiety by up to 39%.”

Added the Mayo Clinic, “some research suggests that meditation may help such conditions as: allergies, anxiety disorders, asthma, binge eating, cancer, depression, fatigue, heart disease, high blood pressure, pain, sleep problems and substance abuse.” The Clinic goes on to cite six types of meditation: guided meditation, mantra meditation, mindfulness meditation, Qi gong, Tai Chi and yoga.

Yoga

A Huffington Post article explained that “practicing yoga can not only be an effective stress reliever, but also a way to ease symptoms of anxiety and depression. By transferring focus and attention to the body and breath, yoga can help to temper anxiety while also releasing physical tension.” ViraYoga founder Elena Brower told the Huffington Post: "Yoga helps our entire system slow down. . . . Our bodies are programmed to heal naturally, and what stops that healing are all the stressors of daily life. Yoga dissolves those stressors for the time during practice and usually the effects last for hours after."

Think Differently

PsychCentral’s Margarita Tartakovsky encourages us to accept those anxious feelings, and quotes clinical  psychologist Marla W. Deibler who said: “Anxiety is just a feeling, like any other feeling”.  Tartakovsky goes on to list nine tips for reducing anxiety:

1.      Take a deep breath;

2.      Accept that you’re anxious;

3.      Realize that your brain is playing tricks on you;

4.      Question your thoughts;

5.      Use a calming visualization;

6.      Be an observer, without judgment;

7.      Use positive self-talk;

8.      Focus on right now; and

9.      Focus on meaningful activities.

Dean adds that “one of the best ways of reducing anxiety is to think about situations differently.  It’s not an exam; it’s a fun little quiz. It’s not a scary presentation; it’s a little chat with a few colleagues. It’s not a job interview; it’s a chance to meet some new people. Most situations can be re-framed in this way and studies show that people who do this naturally – as opposed to trying to suppress their anxiety – feel less anxious in stressful social situations (Llewellyn et al., 2013).”

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Will the 4th Industrial Revolution diminish what it means to be human?

Will the 4th Industrial Revolution diminish what it means to be human?

Historians insist that the 4th Industrial Revolution is upon us – an age of unprecedented promise and peril as we begin to “fuse the physical, digital and biological worlds,” in the words of Klaus Schwab, founder and executive chairman of the World Economic Forum.

What characterizes the 4th industrial revolution? Technological breakthroughs in fields such as artificial intelligence (self-driving cards, drones, virtual assistants and software that translates or invests), robotics (smart machines, humans working side by side with robots), 3-D printing, nanotechnology (e.g., nano-bots that can one day be injected into your bloodstream to cure illnesses), biotechnology (designer babies, extending the lifespan, improving cognition, capabilities), materials science, energy storage and quantum computing.

The promise, of course, is that the 4th Industrial Revolution will raise global income levels and quality of life worldwide. But perils exist, led by fears of growing inequality and job loss (noted Larry Elliott, writing for The Guardian: “One estimate [maintains that] 47% of U.S. jobs are at risk from automation”). In that same article, Elliott quotes Schwab who compares Detroit with Silicon Valley.  In 2014, Schwab explained, the automakers and entrepreneurs of Silicon Valley generated the same revenue (roughly $25 billion), but Silicon Valley did it with 137,000 employees, just a tenth of Detroit’s 1.3 million.

Said Schwab, speaking at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland this year: “[We’re seeing a] hollowing out of the middle” in the job market, whereby, worldwide, “the demand for highly skilled workers has increased while the demand for workers with less education and lower skills has decreased. The result is a job market with a strong demand at the high and low ends, but a hollowing out of the middle.”

Impact on Humanity, Our Inner Lives

Schwab raises other concerns, chief among them the 4th Industrial Revolution’s impact on humanity – that is, what it means to be human. Schwab also worries about the impact this revolution might have on our inner lives. He explained: “I am a great enthusiast and early adopter of technology, but sometimes I wonder whether the inexorable integration of technology in our lives could diminish some of our quintessential human capacities, such as compassion and cooperation. Our relationship with our smartphones is a case in point. Constant connection may deprive us of one of life’s most important assets: the time to pause, reflect, and engage in meaningful conversation.”

Elliott raises an additional concern, wondering whether governments – as presently constituted – can meet the challenges ahead. Said Elliott: “Faced with the challenge of disruptive new technology, the current political framework is no longer fit for purpose and its shortcomings are likely to lead to a backlash that could turn very nasty.”

Amid these concerns, Schwab maintains that “in the end, it all comes down to people and values. We need to shape a future that works for all of us by putting people first and empowering them. In its most pessimistic, dehumanized form, the 4th Industrial Revolution may indeed have the potential to ‘robotize’ humanity and thus to deprive us of our heart and soul. But as a complement to the best parts of human nature—creativity, empathy, stewardship—it can also lift humanity into a new collective and moral consciousness based on a shared sense of destiny. It is incumbent on us all to make sure the latter prevails.”

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Just once, I’d like to hear a politician say . . .

Just once, I’d like to hear a politician say . . .

“When you’re finished changing, you’re finished.” – Benjamin Franklin

I keep waiting for that moment. I keep waiting for a candidate to walk on stage and openly explain – without hesitation, with no hint of trepidation – that they’ve changed their mind.  Our candidate might then explain why, based on new data, fresh analysis and advice from the world’s leading experts that they’ve now arrived at a more strategic solution, a more educated approach.  How sensible.  How realistic.  How rare.

Throughout society, we rely on research and analysis to improve performance and yield better outcomes. We learn, we adapt, we grow, we evolve. So why are our politicians so afraid to change their mind? We’re encouraged, these days, to become lifelong learners, capable of learning new skills and adapting our path. The goal? To live a better life, to make more educated decisions. Shouldn’t this apply to the political realm?

Yet there, on stage, politicians are reluctant to shift their stance. Often asked by members of the media: “But back in 1996, didn’t you once say that you were in favor of that amendment?” Perhaps so. Perhaps, back in 1996, based on available information, a vote in favor of the amendment was appropriate. But now, 20 years later, armed with a wealth of new data and experience, a new position evolves, easily justified, easily defended.

But it just doesn’t happen. 

In the real world, of course, we’re constantly changing our stance, our opinion, our approach based on the latest information, fresh analysis and life experience. Supplements offer a fine example.  Years ago, we may have openly criticized their contribution, but, for many, scientific research and personal experience has reshaped our opinion, allowing us to embrace their benefits.

Is consistency overrated?

The central issue, of course, is the matter of consistency. Might it be overrated? Consistency certainly is essential when we talk about human safety (e.g., airline crews). And it’s highly desirable when we talk about services (e.g., police officers, electricians, dry cleaners). But when it comes to personal opinions and policy decisions, consistency often binds us. In the cogitative world of thoughts, feelings and beliefs, we often fall into the trap of believing that consistency, above all, must be preserved. And that trap is ever-present on the campaign trail, where candidates ardently defend former positions (e.g., on immigration, taxation and foreign engagements, to name a few).

So once, just once, I’d like to hear a candidate explain precisely why their position has changed.  It might go something like this:

“My fellow citizens. I’m calling this press conference to explain that I’ve changed my position on two critical areas of concern – national security and education.  The changes that I am about to announce are a direct result of intense and studied analysis of the facts. Over the last year, I’ve talked at length with a broad cross-section of Americans, seeking input and fresh ideas from leaders in business and academia, from both conservative and liberal think tanks.  They have studied, in depth, our country’s performance over the last 30 years. And their conclusions and recommendations are based on this critical analysis. 

“So, yes, the position and opinions that I am about to express are different from what they were 10 years ago, and even, in some ways, one year ago. I consider it my duty, my honor, my pledge as a candidate, to seek out the best solutions possible, to move our country forward. We must constantly be open to new ideas, to find better ways to defend our borders, educate our children, navigate foreign trade, and embrace foreign cultures. If we cling to the past, we may ignore the latest findings and miss opportunities to advance. With this in mind, here are the steps that I am now recommending.”

Anyone?

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