Marriage/Relationships: The Secret to Making Them Work?

Marriage/Relationships: The Secret to Making Them Work?

Let’s start with three:

1.      Stop trying to change your partner;

2.      Never begin a sentence with the word "you"; and 

3.      Avoid trigger phrases (e.g., "you’re being just like your mother/father").

And here’s three more: 

4.      Know your partner’s love language; 

5.      When you spend time together, try to make it “sacred” time; and

6.      Hold your hugs for at least 20 seconds ("that’s how long it takes for your oxytocin – the ‘cuddle hormone’ – to kick in," explains Dr. Jim Walkup).

We all know the basics: patience, kindness, support, respect and trust. But we are human, so every now and then it’s good to pause, collect ourselves, and re-focus on what makes a relationship tick, and keep on ticking. Here then are a few tips, culled from hundreds we’ve come across. Hopefully you’ll find a few that will make your relationship thrive.

Don’t try to change your partner. Says Dr. Rick Kirschner, Relationship Coach: "The biggest waste of effort in a marriage is trying to change your spouse, since the problems you have with your spouse are generally problems you have in yourself. When you try to change your spouse you come across as a nag and wind up sending the message that 'who you are is not enough.' Nobody likes getting that message, and it leads to distance and polarization. Let your spouse be who he or she is and focus on changing yourself."

Spend time together. But make it “sacred” time. Marni Battista, CPC, founder of Dating with Dignity, says that to keep the spark alive and avoid ‘roommate syndrome’, "couples have to understand the notion of spending ‘time’ together versus creating ‘sacred’ time together. Spending time at social events, time with family and doing ‘chores’ together does not count as sacred time. Instead, carve out special time to not only be intimate, but also ensure that you continue to share new experiences together such as hiking, exploring someplace new, or arranging a stay-cation in your own city."

Control or connection? Psychologist and marriage counselor Lee Horton points out: "You can have control or you can have connection with your partner, but you can't have both. Pursue connection!"

Know your partner’s love language. In his Huffington Post article, Walkup explains: "This one is so important. Just because your mom sang your praises for cleaning up your room doesn’t mean your partner is as impressed by the act. We each value different loving behaviors and gestures in our relationship. Often couples have completely different love languages."  Walkup encourages us to periodically ask: “What things have I done that make you feel the most loved?” Walkup also recommends grabbing a copy of Gary Chapman’s "The Five Languages of Love."

Touch every chance you get. "This isn’t just about sex," according to a piece at sixseeds.patheos.com, “although sex is another consistent habit of happy couples. Physical touch includes cuddling, kissing, hugging, foot rubs, shoulder rubs, holding hands and putting your arm around each other. The simple act of touch binds a [couple’s] hearts together like nothing else. If you are one of the many in a 'touch-starved' [relationship], make it a priority to bring more affection and physical touch" to the relationship.

Watch those words! Marcia Sirota, a psychiatrist and the author of "Women Decoded: The Secret Strategy for Relationship Success," shares 10 phrases to avoid. Here are three:

"You’re being just like your father/mother." Says psychologist Megan Fleming, as quoted in Brittany Wong’s Huffington Post piece: “It doesn’t matter how healthy a relationship your partner has with his or her parents: comparing them to dear old dad or mom mid-argument is a particularly low blow, even if the comparison is true.”

"Will you please just relax." Says Sirota, as quoted by Wong: "Unless your goal is to prolong your partner’s anger during an argument, don’t tell them to ‘calm down’ or ‘relax’."

"We need to talk, but now is not a good time." Psychologist Susan Krauss, as quoted by Wong, explains that phrases such as these create "anxiety without providing an avenue for alleviating that anxiety. . . . It’s also a controlling statement. If you feel the need to talk, then wait until you have the time and ask if your partner has whatever length of time you need."  

Author’s note: quotes from Kirschner, Battista, Horton, Monet and Marshall are drawn from an article at www.yourtango.com.

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An Experiment in Digital Democracy: Will it Work?

An Experiment in Digital Democracy: Will it Work?

How strong is our democracy?  And does the digital age have the potential to strengthen it?

That’s what the citizens of Mexico City are about to find out, in a fascinating experiment in digital democracy.  Just six months ago Mexico City was granted the right to become its own master and now is taking steps to craft its first-ever Constitution. Mexico City mayor Miguel Angel Mancera, seizing this rare opportunity, opened the digital gates, asking citizens to submit petitions to help shape this historic document.

The idea, according to mayor Mancera, as reported in qz.com, “is to bestow the constitution project with a democratic, progressive, inclusive, civic and plural character.”

As an experiment in digital democracy, Mexico City – a metropolitan area home to more than 20 million people – is on the cutting edge. Iceland, a country of 330,000 people, launched a similar experiment some years ago, and similar efforts have been tried around the globe. But nothing approaches the scale and significance of Mexico City. 

Will it work?

By late June, more than 206,000 citizens have raised their voice, submitting a total of 330 petitions. The biggest issues?  Corruption, jobs, access to technology, women’s rights, animal rights and protecting the environment (e.g., taking steps to become a Smart City).  And the mayor is serious: he’s set up more than 300 kiosks around the city for citizens input, guaranteed petitioners the right to meet with his 27-member committee if they garner sufficient support and used results from a detailed “Imagine Your City” survey to guide the crafters.  Further, through pubpub.com (an editing platform similar to Google Docs and created by MIT’s Media Lab), citizens can comment directly on Constitution proposals.

There are skeptics, of course. Digital rights lawyer Antonio Martinez told qz.com: “It’s a bit of a show,” given that the committee is under no legal obligation to incorporate citizen input. But others insist that the process, however flawed, will enhance accountability.  Said Diego Cuesy, a city policy analyst, in the qz.com article: “The platform represents, at the very least, a commitment by the government to listen [and] there will also be an electronic record for everyone to see.”

What’s the process? If a petition garners more than 5,000 supporters, the mayor’s committee will respond. More than 10,000?  Committee members will meet with petitioners. More than 50,000?  Petitioners will address the full committee (by late June, a dozen petitions have passed the 10K mark, with one approaching 50,000, see sidebar, below). Among the 330 petitions in play, said a fusion.net report, are recommendations to: lower the voting age to 16, ban zoos, reduce wages for government officials, increase paid vacation days, extend maternity and paternity leave and ban the sale of junk food in schools. Plus, this notable proposal: requiring Mexico City cops to wear GoPro-style cameras to prevent corruption and abuse of power.

Noted the fusion.net report: “[It’s a] “daunting challenge [to write] a magna carta for a city that has existed for nearly 700 years.” Yet, optimism is high. Said one-time skeptic Francisco Fontano, a young Mexican travel blogger, as quoted at fusion.net: “If this process turns out to be fake and it all fails, it won’t matter because I did what I could . . . I’ve always believed you have to remain idealistic to change things; be a little crazy and always stay positive.”

Good words to live by.

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Sidebar

Digital Democracy: Mexico City’s most popular proposal

Over 200,000 citizens of Mexico City have weighed in, submitting over 330 petitions aimed at shaping the city’s first-ever Constitution, and the most popular proposal to date (48,997 supporters and counting) deals with corruption. The petition reads, in part: “We are tired of seeing every day how public servants in senior positions [receive] high wages and benefits . . . often without meeting a minimally acceptable performance. It is necessary that the new Constitution of the CDMX establishes the right of citizens to good governance, so as to limit and regulate . . . bonuses, benefits, rewards, incentives, bonuses, vouchers, travel expenses, compensation, insurance payments tax or subsidy. . . . In addition, the right to good administration should include a general principle of austerity in public spending.” 

What, no strawberries?

Comedian Louis C.K. on the miracle of air traffic: “ ‘I had to sit on the runway for 40 minutes.’ Oh my gosh, really? What happened then, did you fly through the air like a bird, incredibly? Did you soar into the clouds, impossibly? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight and then land softly on giant tires that you couldn't even conceive how they put air in them? You're sitting in a chair in the sky. You're like a Greek myth right now.”

What, no strawberries?

The scene was all too familiar. I’m in the fruits and vegetable aisle of Publix, hovering over the avocadoes, when I hear a woman proclaim, to one in particular: “What, no strawberries?”  She’s clearly irritated. No, I mean, she’s visibly upset. 

As the blueberries and raspberries nestle close to one another, the strawberry section remains bare. Perhaps a batch rejected by the health inspector? Or, more simply, a shipment delayed by bad weather? Either way, no strawberries are going home with this woman today.

As she frets, I loop back to a familiar thought, amazed, yet again, that on any given day I can stroll into a supermarket, a mile from home and buy virtually any type of food. And the magic persists – new food arrives daily, shelves are re-stocked, electricity stays on, freezers remain cool. Day after day, year after year. How is this possible?

When I worked in Washington, DC some years ago my office looked directly onto the runway at National Airport.  I was never a fan of air travel but the experience was life changing. With each passing minute another plane took off, then another landed.  Months rolled by without a hitch and I came to marvel at the miraculous achievement of air travel. (How safe is it? Some 40,000 planes land safely each day – so if you were to fly every day of your life, you would experience one major accident every 19,000 years).

Out of bed each morning, with little notice, we turn a handle and fresh water pours out. Flick a switch and electricity arrives.  Have a health concern or worry? There’s a doctor, and staff, waiting for you at a nearby emergency room. A domestic dispute or urgent smoke alarm? Police and firemen move into action. Is that not amazing?

It’s not as if these systems are run by automatons.  It’s humans – human beings run these systems and, honestly, we’re not the most reliable creatures. We’re emotional, we’re erratic, we’re irascible at times. Yet, when it comes to making things run, making things work, health inspectors inspect, teachers teach, medical professionals save lives. 

It’s all pretty stunning.  And when there is a rare breakdown in the system (e.g., an electricity outage, empty gas pumps, a storm-induced closure at the supermarket), it’s a welcome reminder of how incredibly well systems work.

So the next time you’re browsing in Publix and a favorite food of yours is on vacation, take a moment to reflect.  It’s not simply about appreciating what we have (1.2 billion people lack access to electricity, 780 million lack access to clean water and 2.5 billion lack access to adequate sanitation), it’s about marveling at the level of consistency with which systems perform. After all, humans are running the show.

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Friendships: Is it possible to be honest without being negative?

Friendships: Is it possible to be honest without being negative?

“Honesty may hurt for a bit, but blunt burns forever.”- Kate Nasser

How honest should a good friend be?

Says Steven Handel, author of www.theemotionmachine.com: “A good friend needs to be honest, and that sometimes means touching on subjects that aren’t always very comfortable to talk about. At the same time, we need to do it in a healthy and respectful way.  Bullying, insults, and peer pressure are all negative and counterproductive ways of being honest with someone. One recent study found that when individuals are made fun of for their obesity, they are actually driven to gain more weight.”

The authors at Wikihow.com remind us: “Remember that honesty is the basis of all healthy relationships, whether with a friend, a significant other, co-worker or any other person. Honesty gives rise to trust, which is essential for maintaining relationships.”

Some tips from the pros:

·        Avoid “You.” Never start a sentence with the word “you” in difficult situations, according to Kate Nasser, the People-Skills Coach, who explains: “Imagine saying, ‘You aren’t doing your job’ or ‘You are failing badly.’ Starting with ‘you’ sets the hearing up for a blunt attack and a defensive reply. Saying: ‘Here is what we are expecting from you and this is what you are doing. We need these changes’ . . . Now the person can hear your message and has specifics on what to change.”

·        Do it in private. Says Handel: “You don’t want the person to feel like they are being pressured by a bunch of people all at once.” The authors at Wikihow agree: “Seek a favorable environment for divulging the truth. Don't tell the person something potentially hurtful or embarrassing in front of other people––try to speak to them alone. . . .”

·        Face to face is best.  “Face-to-face is best,” according to the authors at Wikihow, “it lets the other person read your body language and helps them put your words into emotional perspective.”

·        Ask three questions. When you’re on the verge of sharing your “honest opinion,” the Wikihow authors recommend, ask yourself “the trilogy of essential questions when deciding whether your honesty is coming from a place of good intent: ‘Is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?’ If you can't answer all of these in the affirmative, then your ‘honesty’ probably has the wrong motivation (such as spite, anger or revenge) and you'll need to rethink what you intend to communicate, if anything.” They add: “Distinguish between jealousy and honesty. Jealousy is not tactful, caring or considerate of reality. . . . Do not confuse the two.”

·        Rehearse.  “If you need to rehearse, do so!” say the authors at Wikihow.

·        Watch your speed. Explains Nasser: “The faster you speak in tough moments, the more brutal it sounds. Meanwhile, speaking too slowly or softly risks sounding patronizing. Using a normal even pace of speech communicates honesty and avoids the brutality.”

·        Focus on the emotional impact, not just the message. Adds Nasser: “Much of the brutal bluntness comes from focusing only on the message you want to deliver. Oddly enough, it makes the message less clear because the emotion blocks the other person’s listening. Before speaking, ask yourself what impact your words will have on people. Honesty without honoring the human comes out blunt.”

·        Consider the person. “Consider the person with whom you must be honest,” say the authors at Wikihow.com, who add: “Don't be brash or too pointed where the person is usually shy or very sensitive. Take into account their nature when adapting your message. There will be a different approach between telling your best friend something delicate and motivating a slack co-worker with whom you are trying to complete a project.”

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Why are we so afraid of solitude?

Why are we so afraid of solitude?

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Successful modern life seems to involve constantly being connected with other people, working very hard for as much money as possible, and doing what we are told. However, some of the best advice about modern life comes from an unemployed writer who lived alone in the woods and refused to pay his taxes.” – Journalist Tazeen Ahmad

Author Sara Maitland may have said it best: how is it that, in a society that values individualism, personal autonomy, independence and fulfillment, we’re so afraid of solitude. And why do we think that “being alone” is the same as “being lonely”?

Notes Susan Cain, author of Quiet: “Introversion, along with its cousins sensitivity, seriousness, and shyness, is now a second-class personality trait, somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology.” How did this come to be?

It’s the message. Here’s what we’re hearing at every social-media turn: to thrive in today’s society you must be outgoing, intent on seeking thrills, expanding your friend circle and constantly networking. The message, no doubt, is doing more harm than good.

Writes Diana Vilibert, in a piece for care2.com: “[Why are extroverts seen as] smarter, more interesting and more competent . . . even though there’s no actual link between talking a lot and having good ideas?” Vilibert goes on: “The loudest person is the room isn’t necessarily the most talented . . . and introverts know that.”

It’s time that introversion took center stage, time to acknowledge its inherent strengths (if you’re interested in where you stand on the introvert-ambivert-extrovert scale, try the 10 questions below, posed by Journalist Tazeen Ahmad). 

What’s the difference between an introvert and an extrovert? It’s all about energy, that is, whether your energy comes from socializing or solitude. Explains Jennifer Dawn Gabiola, in an article for the Huffington Post: “An introvert is not shy or anti-social. An introvert is a person who needs quiet time to recharge and feel connected with themselves. They need stillness and quiet to fuel their energy. Tuning in to themselves gives them the energy they need before engaging with the outside world.”

Gabiola goes on to share an introvert’s natural strengths: “[Introverts] are intuitive and insightful . . . they are natural observers . . . excellent listeners . . . deep thinkers and thoughtful communicators . . . compassionate and sensitive to others needs.”  Says Gabiola: “Which leads me to the #1 superpower that introverts have that others can’t touch — the ability to create truly deep and meaningful one-on-one relationships. Introverts have the natural ability to create strong and lasting connections.”

Adds Vilibert: “Introverts are better at delaying gratification . . . Introverts are actually great leaders . . . Best of all? Introverts can masquerade as extroverts when necessary, if you believe the Free Trait Theory (the idea that while we’re born with certain personality traits, we can act out of character in the service of “core personal projects”).

In a spirited TED talk, Ahmad charts the pathway to giving introversion its due. Ahmad runs a series of workshops at The School of Life, and her teaser descriptions tell the tale:

·        Introversion – A Superpower: “In a society that thrives on brain-storming and team work, the voice of the solitude-seeking, analytically-minded introvert is often drowned out. This workshop will explore how introverts can use their specific skill set to thrive in their professional life.”

·        Introverted Leaders – “We often think of successful leaders as charismatic, charming, extrovert types. But as many as 60% of all leaders are in fact introverts. This workshop is designed to help people who feel their introversion holds them back. Leave feeling able to connect, manage and perform with more confidence.”

·        How to Spend Time Alone – “In popular culture, the definition of happiness seems to mean surrounding yourself with a merry group of friends and having fun all day every day, whilst being 'alone' and being 'lonely' are considered synonymous. Being alone can be frightening but there is also much to be gained from solitude.”

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The Quiz: How many of these are true for you?

1.      Best in quiet environments; 1-to-1 interaction;

2.      Listen rather than talk;

3.      Think before responding;

4.      Like to email ideas rather than brain-storm;

5.      Don’t want to show or discuss work until finished;

6.      Your best work is alone;

7.      Prefer lectures to seminars;

8.      Need time by yourself or you get cranky;

9.      Have fewer friends but the friendships are deep;

10.   Prefer to review issue alone before sharing.

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What works better – positive or negative thinking?

What works better – positive or negative thinking?

There’s a new strategy in town for achieving your goals – it’s called “mental contrasting” and it demonstrates that, if we wish to reach our goals, we have to do more than simply visualize them.  The term “mental contrasting” was coined by Gabriele Oettingen and colleagues (at New York University’s psychology lab) and their studies support the notion that simply visualizing a positive outcome doesn’t particularly work. 

And when's the best time to employ mental contrasting? When you're feeling good, not when you're down in the dumps. 

Explained psychologist Christian Jarrett, in an article posted on www.99u.com: “[Otettingen's studies found that] visualizing our aims as already achieved can backfire. The positive imagery can be inspiring at first, but it also tricks the mind into relaxing, as if the hard work is done. This means the more compelling the mental scene of success, the more likely it is that your energy will seep away.”

Oettingen and Andreas Kappes, in a paper titled “Mental Contrasting of Future and Reality,” explained: “In mental contrasting, people first imagine the attainment of a desired future (e.g., becoming a lawyer, writing an article) and thereafter reflect on the present reality that stands in the way of attaining the desired future (e.g., excessive partying, having little time). Thus, contrasting fantasies about the future with reflections on reality is a problem-solving strategy . . . .”

So what works better?  Indulging in thoughts about reaching your goal, or mental contrasting? Oettinger and colleagues report on their findings:

“Participants in one condition were taught to use mental contrasting regarding their everyday concerns, while participants in the other condition were taught to indulge. Two weeks later, participants in the mental-contrasting condition reported to have fared better in managing their time and decision making during everyday life than those in the indulging condition. By helping people to set expectancy-dependent goals, teaching the metacognitive strategy of mental contrasting can be a cost- and time-effective tool to help people manage the demands of their everyday life.”

In one fascinating study, Oettingen and colleagues evaluated the impact of positive vs. negative feedback on goal achievement.  Here’s how they set it up, as described by Jarrett:

“Dozens of volunteers took part in what they thought was an investigation into creativity. Half the study participants were given false feedback on a test of their creative potential, with their results inflated to suggest that they'd excelled. In advance of the main challenge – a series of creative insight problems – some of the participants were then taught mental contrasting: writing about how good it would feel to smash the problems, and then writing about the likely obstacles to achieving that feat, such as daydreaming.

"The best performers on the insight problems were those participants who'd received the positive feedback about their potential and who'd performed mental contrasting. They out-classed their peers who'd received inflated feedback but only indulged in positive thoughts, and they outperformed those participants who'd received negative feedback (regardless of whether they, too, performed mental contrasting).”

Bottom line: the best time to employ mental contrasting (e.g., focusing on obstacles to overcome) is when you’re in positive mood, when excitement is high and adrenaline is flowing, not when you’re down in the dumps.  So wait until the energy flows, then consider the steps you need to take to get there (wherever there might be).

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Head over heels in love?

Head over heels in love? 

(Author’s note: if a body part is missing, feel free to take the shirt off my back)  

She was a sight for sore eyes.  They’d been separated for just six months, but when you’re head over heels in love, six months can feel like a lifetime.

When he left, to travel halfway around the world, she was heartbroken, and his heartfelt words: “Keep your chin up” fell on deaf ears.  To survive the separation, she purchased an expensive piece of art (freely admitting to a friend one day: “It cost me an arm and a leg”). 

Over the years, her penchant for buying expensive works was a bone of contention, after all – he worked his fingers to the bone to support them, and here she was, in the twinkling of an eye, drawing down the account.  He racked his brain to find a solution and tried his best to remind her: “You know, dear, we’re just getting by, by the skin of our teeth,” but she was unable to heed the warnings. 

Fortunately, he had the presence of mind to know that when two lovers are apart, all bets are off. 

As his departure date neared, she began to give him the cold shoulder, preparing herself as best she could. He, on the other hand, came down with a severe case of cold feet, often asking himself: “Am I making a mistake?”

But he left, and though down in the mouth for weeks, he managed. Early each morning he composed a love letter, reminding her that she remained close to his heart. He missed her dearly, and his colleagues were quick to notice. Noted one: “His head is always in the clouds.”

He kept telling himself: “It’s mind over matter,” often recalling his friend’s assurance that, once abroad, she would be “out of sight, out of mind.”

But, alas, for him, it was not so – in the evenings he would cry his eyes out, giving lip service to the notion that his emotions would wane. He thought to himself: “I’d give my eye teeth to be back home with her,” and he had half a mind to quit, but he knew that leaving now would jeopardize his ability to rub elbows with the big wigs. 

Throughout the separation, she maintained a stiff upper lip.  But, deep down, his decision to leave left a bad taste in her mouth.  Yes, his love, expressed in letters, was music to her ears, but she remained bitter, and it opened the door for a young, handsome gentleman caller to sweep her off her feet.

She tried her best to keep the young Casanova at arm’s length, but she was falling fast. She told a friend one day: “He makes my toes curl.”  In jaw-dropping speed, she was suddenly, inexplicably, in love.  And her friends understood – after all, he was easy on the eyes (a close friend once confided: “He even leaves me weak in the knees”).

Ten thousand miles away, her first love caught wind of the dalliance.  He vowed to fight tooth and nail to keep her, telling a colleague: “I can’t let her slip through my fingers.”  And when a friend quietly told him: “I think you’re going to lose her,” he shot back: “Bite your tongue,” adding quickly: “Over my dead body.”

Now back in the States, in his neck of the woods, he committed to put his best foot forward.  Tired of the endless ribbing that he was “all skin and bones” (his lack of stature, he once shared, was his Achilles heel), he hired a professional and promised himself: “This time, I won’t drag my feet.” What were the chances of winning her back?  A friend of hers told him: “Don’t hold your breath,” but he was digging his heels in, determined to bend over backwards not to lose her.

Each day he rose bright-eyed and bushy tailed, certain that they would soon be reunited.  With his nose to the grindstone, his dream was soon realized.  As they nestled on the lawn, overlooking the pastoral lake, she turned to him and said: “I want to be with you forever,” to which he responded: “From your lips to God’s ears.”

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