What’s the #1 secret to making love last?

A sage once said in order to make love last, you have to put it first. And she was probably right.

The secret to making love last, of course, is that there is no secret, no magic formula, no environmental elixir.  It’s easy to recognize that it takes a bit of luck to find a good partner, and a great deal of resolve to first find yourself.  And if good fortune comes our way (in career, health and family) we clearly have a better chance of making love last.   

The other day I asked island resident Marty Loeb, who just turned 83: “How do you make love last?” And Marty answered: “It’s simple. If it’s important to her, it’s important to me; and if it’s important to me, it’s important to her.” Clear, unambiguous, genuine.

So how do you make love last?  After culling through more than 200 tips, I’m here to report that no two are exactly the same. Some do leave an impression, however.  Here are six of those. 

Tip #1: Focus on your loved one’s best qualities, not their worst.

“See the best in your love,” is the sound advice from 14 authors at wikihow.com. “If you want to make love last, then you should focus on your loved one's best qualities – not their worst qualities. Though you can be honest about your loved one's less-than-ideal qualities, you should focus on his or her ability to make you laugh, their intelligence, and their great smile instead of how they're always late or that they spend too much time on their cell phone. A survey of 470 studies on compatibility revealed that the one thing many long-lasting relationships have in common is ‘positive illusions,’ which allow the people in the relationship to see each other in a positive light.”

Tip #2:  Develop your “mating skills”

The central notion here is that each of us needs to recognize that relationships demand skill to flourish (key skills: patience, loyalty and trust). So first identify what skills are important (e.g., ability to communicate, to listen, and be compassionate), and take active steps to enhance them. Don’t assume that these skills will develop naturally – they must be nurtured.  Explained Roy Smith, life coach, at www.makinglovelastforever.com: “One of the most important things I have learned is that a couple's willingness to educate themselves over the span of their relationship will dramatically improve their chances of long-term relationship success.”

Tip #3:  Share a 6-second kiss every day 

Probably my favorite.

Tip #4:  Learn from Parrots 

In an article for eHarmony, author Daniel Amen quotes neurologist Barbara Wilson, who trains parrots. Said Amen: “She says they have taught her important lessons about relationships that many humans could benefit from: Share your food with the one you love, groom each other, sing constantly, build nests together, and repeat each other’s words and actions.”

Tip #5: Don’t Keep Score  

Said lawyer Tim Hoch, in a piece titled "50 Rules for Married Couples": “I know a couple who keeps track of the number of times each partner completes a household chore. Don’t do this. It’s exhausting. And childish.”

Tip #6: Dismantle the “soul mate myth” and “burn your blueprint”

Hoch urges us to burn our blueprint and rid ourselves "of whatever fantasies you harbor about the bliss of married life. They’re not helping. There is no script, so don’t be disappointed when your fairytale gets hijacked.”

In an article written for oprah.com, author Scott Stanley, cofounder of the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program, believes that the “soul mate myth” is making harder for relationships to develop, and flourish, particularly for males.  Said the article: “A 2001 study found that 94 percent of young adults expect a soul mate for a life partner. In [Stanley’s] experience, women tend to outgrow this fantasy, but a significant number of men say the reason they're not marrying their live-in girlfriend is that they're not sure she's ‘the one’.”

Beyond these six, of course, are hundreds of tips – some more familiar than others: make time for romance, allow for transitions, apologize when you’re wrong, use all of your senses, display affection, learn to compromise, have fun with your partner, practice self-acceptance, practice gratitude and optimism, accept your circumstances, learn to forgive, invite growth, flirt, walk, read to each other. 

Grab any one that has meaning for you.  But put love first. 

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Are you a people pleaser?

At times, of course, we all are. But there’s a meaningful distinction between “people pleasing” and “cooperation.”  Explains author Jay Earley, PhD: “People pleasing is really an extreme version of cooperation. If you have what’s called a ‘Cooperation Pattern’ you can work with others smoothly without giving up your way of doing things.”

What does the People Pleasing Pattern look like?  Says Earley:

“When this pattern is activated, we have a hard time saying No or setting limits. We tend to avoid conflict. We want other people’s approval, and even more importantly, we want to avoid other people’s disapproval.”

Cooperation or People Pleasing?  Earley points out that if you have a Cooperation Pattern, “you like to empower others, but not at your own expense. You want to resolve conflict, not avoid it. You like to make other people feel good, but you don’t ignore your own needs, thoughts, or desires in the process. In short, you can cooperate without automatically complying. This is because your motivation for cooperating comes from a desire for connection or accomplishment, not from a need to please.”

Mike Bundrant, writing for psychcentral.com, explains that people pleasing can lead to chronic stress and can manifest itself in a variety of ways. For example: social anxiety, neglecting your own needs, overeating or overdrinking (to go along with the crowd), loneliness and, at times, self-loathing (because you’re not standing up for yourself). Concludes Bundrant: “Serving others is noble, but chronic people pleasing at the expense of your own needs is self-sabotage.”

Leon Seltzer, PhD, writing for psychologytoday.com, maintains that “the solution for people-pleasers . . . is to learn how to become more self-validating.” Adds Seltzer: “. . . I’m certainly not advocating that you become selfish, that you make your preferences your one and only priority. Rather, I'm suggesting you remind yourself that your needs are as important as anyone else's, and that you should avoid going along with someone else's agenda simply because it's always been your ‘line of least resistance.’ Do things for others because you really care about them—not simply because you're afraid they'd abandon you if you didn't.”

Seltzer advocates an “attitudinal transformation,” that is, “learning over time how to come from a place of genuine self-deserving.”  He explains:

“Gently and reassuringly (but firmly as well), the child-self needs to be repeatedly reminded that they have a perfect right both to assert their needs and to say no whenever a request or demand feels unfair or excessive to them. Over and over they need to get the new and revised message that their own wants and desires are legitimate and important, and that it's safe to hold onto them even when they differ from another's.”

And Seltzer addresses the all-too-familiar conundrum when interacting with relatives. Suggests Seltzer: “. . . it doesn't make much sense to keep in your life people who lack a sincere interest in your welfare. Additionally, as an adult, realize that you also have the right to minimize, or avoid altogether, family members who are unable or unwilling to treat you with the consideration and respect you're entitled to).”

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How intelligent are you?

It’s a question that vexes us because we know that our life path is often defined by, and shaped by, the answer.  But the question may be as ill-advised as the IQ test itself which, after a century on center stage (it first took root n the U.S. in 1916), may (finally) be losing some of its punch. 

In a provocative speech delivered to college admission counselors last year (and reprinted by  businessinsider.com), author Annie Murphy Paul builds a dynamic argument that intelligence, far from being “fixed” at birth, is highly variable and is shaped by a multitude of factors. Drawing on what she calls the “science of learning” (a relatively new discipline, combining cognitive science, psychology, philosophy and neuroscience), Paul provides us with “eight ways to look at intelligence” and how we can become smarter. Here are the eight:

1.       “Situations can make us smarter.” Said Paul: “The science of learning has demonstrated that we are powerfully shaped by the situations that we find ourselves in, situations that can either evoke or suppress our intelligence.” Paul explains that situations can be internal (e.g., psychological stress, lack of sleep, exercise or lack thereof) or external (e.g., peer group pressure or study conditions). Adds Paul: “On one level this is obvious, but on another it is really very radical. Radical, because, since its earliest beginnings, the study of intelligence has emphasized its inherent and fixed qualities. Intelligence has been conceptualized as an innate characteristic of the individual, invariant across time and place, determined mostly by genes (or before that, what was called 'heredity').”

2.       “Beliefs can make us smarter.” Paul cites Carol Dweck’s work on the two types of mindsets: the fixed mindset (the belief that ability is fixed and unchanging) and the growth mindset (the belief that abilities can be developed through learning and practice).

3.       “Expertise can make us smarter.”  Do experts think differently?  The research says yes, which is why Paul encourages young learners to dive deep, then transfer these new ways of thinking to new challenges. Notes Paul: “What researchers have found is that experts don’t just know more, they know differently. . . . ” Expertise breeds new ways of thinking, encourages flexibility and organization. Being an expert, in short, enhances intelligence.

4.       “Attention can make us smarter.” Can we indeed pay attention to two things at once? (a notion tested daily by the Smartphone generation). Paul says no and maintains that learning to “attend” is a critically important skill that allows individuals to “fully express their intelligence.”   

5.       “Emotions can make us smarter.” No surprise here, positive moods allow us “to think more expansively and creatively,” says Paul, while “anxiety uses up some of the working memory capacity we need to solve problems.”

6.       “Technology can make us smarter.” Paul introduces us to the concept of “the extended mind” – the idea that “the mind doesn’t stop at the skull, that it reaches out and loops in our bodies, our tools, even other people, to use in our thinking processes.” She cites some extraordinary research: “Brain-scanning studies have found that when we use a tool, say a rake we’re using to reach an object that’s out of our grasp, our brains actually designate neurons to represent the end of the rake – as if it were the tips of our own fingers.”

7.       “Our bodies can make us smarter.”  It may be time to stop comparing our brain to a computer, says Paul, and instead to compare the brain to the heart. She explains: “All the things that make the heart work better – good nutrition, adequate sleep, regular exercise, moderate stress – make the brain work better too.”

8.       “Relationships can make us smarter.”  The point is unassailable – interacting with others enhances our own potential, our own breadth of knowledge and ability to process information.  Paul points to what is called “transactive memory” (a memory system that is more complex and potentially more effective than that of any of its individual constituents) as “just one of the ways that relationships with others can make us smarter than we would be on our own.”

Steve Ferber is author of “21 Rules to Live By.”