Sunday, May 29, 2016

Why are we so afraid of solitude?

Why are we so afraid of solitude?

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Successful modern life seems to involve constantly being connected with other people, working very hard for as much money as possible, and doing what we are told. However, some of the best advice about modern life comes from an unemployed writer who lived alone in the woods and refused to pay his taxes.” – Journalist Tazeen Ahmad


Author Sara Maitland may have said it best: how is it that, in a society that values individualism, personal autonomy, independence and fulfillment, we’re so afraid of solitude. And why do we think that “being alone” is the same as “being lonely”?

Notes Susan Cain, author of Quiet: “Introversion, along with its cousins sensitivity, seriousness, and shyness, is now a second-class personality trait, somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology.” How did this come to be?

It’s the message. Here’s what we’re hearing at every social-media turn: to thrive in today’s society you must be outgoing, intent on seeking thrills, expanding your friend circle and constantly networking. The message, no doubt, is doing more harm than good.

Writes Diana Vilibert, in a piece for care2.com: “[Why are extroverts seen as] smarter, more interesting and more competent . . . even though there’s no actual link between talking a lot and having good ideas?” Vilibert goes on: “The loudest person is the room isn’t necessarily the most talented . . . and introverts know that.”

It’s time that introversion took center stage, time to acknowledge its inherent strengths (if you’re interested in where you stand on the introvert-ambivert-extrovert scale, try the 10 questions below, posed by Journalist Tazeen Ahmad). 

What’s the difference between an introvert and an extrovert? It’s all about energy, that is, whether your energy comes from socializing or solitude. Explains Jennifer Dawn Gabiola, in an article for the Huffington Post: “An introvert is not shy or anti-social. An introvert is a person who needs quiet time to recharge and feel connected with themselves. They need stillness and quiet to fuel their energy. Tuning in to themselves gives them the energy they need before engaging with the outside world.”

Gabiola goes on to share an introvert’s natural strengths: “[Introverts] are intuitive and insightful . . . they are natural observers . . . excellent listeners . . . deep thinkers and thoughtful communicators . . . compassionate and sensitive to others needs.”  Says Gabiola: “Which leads me to the #1 superpower that introverts have that others can’t touch — the ability to create truly deep and meaningful one-on-one relationships. Introverts have the natural ability to create strong and lasting connections.”

Adds Vilibert: “Introverts are better at delaying gratification . . . Introverts are actually great leaders . . . Best of all? Introverts can masquerade as extroverts when necessary, if you believe the Free Trait Theory (the idea that while we’re born with certain personality traits, we can act out of character in the service of “core personal projects”).

In a spirited TED talk, Ahmad charts the pathway to giving introversion its due. Ahmad runs a series of workshops at The School of Life, and her teaser descriptions tell the tale:

·        Introversion – A Superpower: “In a society that thrives on brain-storming and team work, the voice of the solitude-seeking, analytically-minded introvert is often drowned out. This workshop will explore how introverts can use their specific skill set to thrive in their professional life.”

·        Introverted Leaders – “We often think of successful leaders as charismatic, charming, extrovert types. But as many as 60% of all leaders are in fact introverts. This workshop is designed to help people who feel their introversion holds them back. Leave feeling able to connect, manage and perform with more confidence.”

·        How to Spend Time Alone – “In popular culture, the definition of happiness seems to mean surrounding yourself with a merry group of friends and having fun all day every day, whilst being 'alone' and being 'lonely' are considered synonymous. Being alone can be frightening but there is also much to be gained from solitude.”

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The Quiz: How many of these are true for you?

1.      Best in quiet environments; 1-to-1 interaction;
2.      Listen rather than talk;
3.      Think before responding;
4.      Like to email ideas rather than brain-storm;
5.      Don’t want to show or discuss work until finished;
6.      Your best work is alone;
7.      Prefer lectures to seminars;
8.      Need time by yourself or you get cranky;
9.      Have fewer friends but the friendships are deep;
10.   Prefer to review issue alone before sharing.



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Tuesday, May 24, 2016

What works better – positive or negative thinking?

What works better – positive or negative thinking?

There’s a new strategy in town for achieving your goals – it’s called “mental contrasting” and it demonstrates that, if we wish to reach our goals, we have to do more than simply visualize them.  The term “mental contrasting” was coined by Gabriele Oettingen and colleagues (at New York University’s psychology lab) and their studies support the notion that simply visualizing a positive outcome doesn’t particularly work. 

And when's the best time to employ mental contrasting? When you're feeling good, not when you're down in the dumps. 

Explained psychologist Christian Jarrett, in an article posted on www.99u.com: “[Otettingen's studies found that] visualizing our aims as already achieved can backfire. The positive imagery can be inspiring at first, but it also tricks the mind into relaxing, as if the hard work is done. This means the more compelling the mental scene of success, the more likely it is that your energy will seep away.”

Oettingen and Andreas Kappes, in a paper titled “Mental Contrasting of Future and Reality,” explained: “In mental contrasting, people first imagine the attainment of a desired future (e.g., becoming a lawyer, writing an article) and thereafter reflect on the present reality that stands in the way of attaining the desired future (e.g., excessive partying, having little time). Thus, contrasting fantasies about the future with reflections on reality is a problem-solving strategy . . . .”

So what works better?  Indulging in thoughts about reaching your goal, or mental contrasting? Oettinger and colleagues report on their findings:

“Participants in one condition were taught to use mental contrasting regarding their everyday concerns, while participants in the other condition were taught to indulge. Two weeks later, participants in the mental-contrasting condition reported to have fared better in managing their time and decision making during everyday life than those in the indulging condition. By helping people to set expectancy-dependent goals, teaching the metacognitive strategy of mental contrasting can be a cost- and time-effective tool to help people manage the demands of their everyday life.”

In one fascinating study, Oettingen and colleagues evaluated the impact of positive vs. negative feedback on goal achievement.  Here’s how they set it up, as described by Jarrett:

“Dozens of volunteers took part in what they thought was an investigation into creativity. Half the study participants were given false feedback on a test of their creative potential, with their results inflated to suggest that they'd excelled. In advance of the main challenge – a series of creative insight problems – some of the participants were then taught mental contrasting: writing about how good it would feel to smash the problems, and then writing about the likely obstacles to achieving that feat, such as daydreaming.

"The best performers on the insight problems were those participants who'd received the positive feedback about their potential and who'd performed mental contrasting. They out-classed their peers who'd received inflated feedback but only indulged in positive thoughts, and they outperformed those participants who'd received negative feedback (regardless of whether they, too, performed mental contrasting).”

Bottom line: the best time to employ mental contrasting (e.g., focusing on obstacles to overcome) is when you’re in positive mood, when excitement is high and adrenaline is flowing, not when you’re down in the dumps.  So wait until the energy flows, then consider the steps you need to take to get there (wherever there might be).

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Sunday, May 22, 2016

Head over heels in love?


Head over heels in love? 

(Author’s note: if a body part is missing, feel free to take the shirt off my back)  

She was a sight for sore eyes.  They’d been separated for just six months, but when you’re head over heels in love, six months can feel like a lifetime.

When he left, to travel halfway around the world, she was heartbroken, and his heartfelt words: “Keep your chin up” fell on deaf ears.  To survive the separation, she purchased an expensive piece of art (freely admitting to a friend one day: “It cost me an arm and a leg”). 

Over the years, her penchant for buying expensive works was a bone of contention, after all – he worked his fingers to the bone to support them, and here she was, in the twinkling of an eye, drawing down the account.  He racked his brain to find a solution and tried his best to remind her: “You know, dear, we’re just getting by, by the skin of our teeth,” but she was unable to heed the warnings. 

Fortunately, he had the presence of mind to know that when two lovers are apart, all bets are off. 

As his departure date neared, she began to give him the cold shoulder, preparing herself as best she could. He, on the other hand, came down with a severe case of cold feet, often asking himself: “Am I making a mistake?”

But he left, and though down in the mouth for weeks, he managed. Early each morning he composed a love letter, reminding her that she remained close to his heart. He missed her dearly, and his colleagues were quick to notice. Noted one: “His head is always in the clouds.”

He kept telling himself: “It’s mind over matter,” often recalling his friend’s assurance that, once abroad, she would be “out of sight, out of mind.”

But, alas, for him, it was not so – in the evenings he would cry his eyes out, giving lip service to the notion that his emotions would wane. He thought to himself: “I’d give my eye teeth to be back home with her,” and he had half a mind to quit, but he knew that leaving now would jeopardize his ability to rub elbows with the big wigs. 

Throughout the separation, she maintained a stiff upper lip.  But, deep down, his decision to leave left a bad taste in her mouth.  Yes, his love, expressed in letters, was music to her ears, but she remained bitter, and it opened the door for a young, handsome gentleman caller to sweep her off her feet.

She tried her best to keep the young Casanova at arm’s length, but she was falling fast. She told a friend one day: “He makes my toes curl.”  In jaw-dropping speed, she was suddenly, inexplicably, in love.  And her friends understood – after all, he was easy on the eyes (a close friend once confided: “He even leaves me weak in the knees”).

Ten thousand miles away, her first love caught wind of the dalliance.  He vowed to fight tooth and nail to keep her, telling a colleague: “I can’t let her slip through my fingers.”  And when a friend quietly told him: “I think you’re going to lose her,” he shot back: “Bite your tongue,” adding quickly: “Over my dead body.”

Now back in the States, in his neck of the woods, he committed to put his best foot forward.  Tired of the endless ribbing that he was “all skin and bones” (his lack of stature, he once shared, was his Achilles heel), he hired a professional and promised himself: “This time, I won’t drag my feet.” What were the chances of winning her back?  A friend of hers told him: “Don’t hold your breath,” but he was digging his heels in, determined to bend over backwards not to lose her.

Each day he rose bright-eyed and bushy tailed, certain that they would soon be reunited.  With his nose to the grindstone, his dream was soon realized.  As they nestled on the lawn, overlooking the pastoral lake, she turned to him and said: “I want to be with you forever,” to which he responded: “From your lips to God’s ears.”


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