It may sound ludicrous, but researchers from Harvard and
UPenn maintain that by using a simple phrase, you can enhance your
trustworthiness. In a series of studies,
the researchers explored the power of apology – that is, the degree to which a
simple apology (“I’m so sorry”) can make a person appear more trustworthy.
Why do people apologize? Typically, of course, it’s when
they’re to blame (“I’m so sorry that I’m late”). And prior research demonstrates that people
who apologize indeed are considered more favorably (in terms of likeability and
“benevolence-based trust”). But researchers Alison Brooks, Hengchen Dai and
Maurice Schweitzer chose to examine an entirely different kind of apology – one
they call “superfluous apology” in which people apologize for things over which
they have no control (“I’m so sorry that it’s raining,” or “I’m sorry that
about the heavy traffic”).
Apparently, a superfluous apology (“I’m so sorry that
your flight was delayed”) has far more impact than a simple “How are you?” or
“I’m sorry to interrupt”. Sounds crazy, no?
Here’s how one of the studies worked: an individual
walked up to strangers (one by one) in a Northeastern train station and asked
to borrow their cell phone (important note: it was raining outside). In approaching the strangers, the individual
used one of two scripts – script #1: “I’m so sorry about the rain! Can I borrow
your cell phone?” Script #2: “Can I borrow your cell phone?” The researchers found that when script #1
was used, 47% of the strangers offered their cell phone, but when script #2 was
used, just 9% of the strangers said yes.
Why such a significant difference?
Said the researchers: “Results from their field study
reveal that a face-to-face superfluous apology increases trusting
behavior. Strangers were more likely to
hand their cell phone to a confederate when the confederate apologized for the
rain than when he did not.” Added the researchers: “Issuing a superfluous
apology demonstrates empathetic concern for the victim and increases the victim’s
trust in the apologizer.”
They added: “Across our studies, we identify significant
benefits to apologizing. Superfluous apologies represent a powerful and
easy-to-use tool for social influence. Even in the absence of culpability,
individuals can increase trust and liking by saying ‘I’m sorry’ even if they
are merely ‘sorry’ about the rain.”
The word “sorry”, of course, is commonly used in two
distinct ways. Compare the following: “I’m sorry that I broke your beautiful
vase” (fault) vs. “I’m sorry that your beautiful vase is broken”
(superfluous). I refer to these as
“sorry #1” and “sorry #2,” yet they’re often confused. Consider this verbal exchange: “I’m sorry
that your car isn’t working,” to which the person responds: “Oh, it’s not your
fault.” Of course, we knew that – we were simply offering a superfluous apology
to let the person know that we care. To recap: Sorry #1 is when we’re to blame
(“I’m sorry that I forget to pick up the milk”), while sorry #2 is apologizing
for things out of our control (the most dramatic, of course, is: “I’m sorry for
your loss”).
Are there any drawbacks to apologizing? Said the researchers: “. . . [S]ome prior work
suggests that apologizing may have drawbacks. . . . For example, Tannen
conjectures that apologies may harm perceived power and competence, especially
for women. Consequently, in addition to measuring empathy and benevolence-based
trust, we also explore how superfluous apologies influence perceptions of power
and competence-based trust . . . . ” In the current set of studies, the
researchers said they identified no drawbacks, yet noted: “Still, it is quite
possible that the repeated use of superfluous apologies or the delivery of a
superfluous apology that appears insincere may yield different results.”
Final note: I’m sorry that this column is so long
(definitely, my fault), and sorry about this terrible cold snap we're having.
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