Some months ago a good friend posed this question to me, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. What exactly did he mean by 50/50?
To my friend’s way of thinking, 50/50 is the essence of a
balanced relationship – a relationship where two friends balance their effort,
their interest (in each other’s lives) and their talk time. Two people, two listeners, two questioners – two people who care deeply about each other, yet two individuals who recognize
that, at times, one friend needs more nurturing than the other, as life
circumstances dictate.
It also means two individuals willing to open up to each
other, in a meaningful way – allowing each other to pull the curtain back on
their private lives, and private thoughts, in a way that says, in essence: “I
trust you to understand, to listen to my triumphs and challenges, and not
to judge me in any way. To simply support
me.”
That, I suppose, is a 50/50 friend. It’s not about literal talk time (though over
time, I suppose, a 50/50 balance sounds desirable). Instead, it’s probably more
about a genuine interest in the other person’s life, and daily travails.
Now, knowing that, I re-pose the question to you: Do you
have many 50/50 friends? And how do you
go about cultivating those relationships?
As a lifelong reporter, I was trained to ask questions,
and that certainly has carried over to my social life. A friend once told me that I ask more
questions that anyone he knows (I wasn’t sure if he was complimenting me, or
criticizing me, so I decided to assume the former). My professional training aside, my desire in
asking questions* is simply to learn – to learn more about what goes on in
other people’s lives (as I often share, I already know what I’m doing, so
sharing it with others isn’t particularly growth-producing).
For good or for bad, in social settings, my ear is
attuned to what I call the “bounce-back,” that is, when a person bounces back a
question to you, and listens with interest (side note: as I’m sure you’ve
experienced, a bounce-back question doesn’t always connote true interest –
sometimes it simply serves as a personal segue – for example, try to recall a time
when someone asked you: “Have you seen any good movies lately?” and immediately
told you about the movie they just saw, in notable detail).
On the subject of relationships, Dr. John Grohol (founder
and CEO of PsychCentral) explained:
“Relationships tend to function best when they are in a state of
balance (or homeostasis); however, the task of achieving a healthy balance in
our relationships is more easily said than done — especially if we didn’t grow
up with healthy role models in these areas.”
Offered psychologist Marie Hartwell-Walker, writing for
PsychCentral.com:
“Real friends are obligated to each other in a meaningful way. To be a
friend is to accept the gift of another’s trust with the appreciation and trustworthiness
such a gift deserves. It requires the willingness to devote time, energy, and
thought to the other person’s needs and desires as well as to our own.”
Hartwell-Walker offers 7 tips for maintaining strong
friendships:
1. Keep
in contact;
2. Don’t
keep score;
3. Keep
it balanced;
4. Be
loyal;
5. Remember
their birthday (little things count);
6. Deal
with conflict; and
7. Be
a fan.
Added
Hartwell-Walker:
“Good friends feel equal in the relationship. When a friendship is
healthy, roles shift easily. They share stories. They listen attentively. They
treat and are treated. They look to each other for wisdom without feeling
inferior for doing so. They share their opinions without feeling superior.
Neither person feels taken for granted, put down, or put on a pedestal. True
companions in life walk side by side.”
*of
late, two of my favorite open-ended questions are: “What’s new in your world?”
and “What’s best?” This second question flows from a passage in “Zen and the
Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” in which the author explains the illimitable difference
between “What’s new?” and “What’s best?”
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