A stronger marriage, in just 21 minutes a year?

It sounds far-fetched, but a research team of professors from Northwestern, Stanford and Villanova has demonstrated that in just 21 minutes a year (yes, that’s 21 minutes, not hours), a couple can perform a writing exercise that can strengthen their marriage. The study took place over a two-year period and involved 120 married couples ranging in age from their 20s to their 70s.  Couples were married, on average, for 11 years.

Explained lead researcher Eli Finkel, professor of psychology at Northwestern University (as quoted in a press release put out by the Association of Psychological Science): "I don't want it to sound like magic, but you can get pretty impressive results with minimal intervention."

Here’s how the study worked: in year #1, every four months, each couple was asked to write about the most significant disagreement they had had with their spouse in recent months (e.g., over finance, household responsibilities, sex-related concerns, etc.). In year #2, the couples were split into two groups: group #1 continued recording their conflicts as before while group #2 was now told to write their entries from the perspective of a third party (for example, a close friend).  Thus couples in group #2 were not allowed to say things such as “It made me so angry when he was late” but rather “Thomas was one hour late coming home.” 

To establish the proper baseline, each couple was asked, every four months, to report their level of relationship satisfaction, love, intimacy, trust, passion and commitment.

What did the researchers find? 

In the first year of the study, overall martial quality declined for the 120 couples – a finding in sync with a vast body of research that shows that marital bliss diminishes over time.  But after year #2, the decline in marital quality was entirely eliminated for the couples that wrote entries from a neutral perspective. 

Said Finkel: "Previous research shows that relationship satisfaction decreases over the course of a marriage but these writing exercises act as a buffer for unhappiness. . . . The trick is to get outside your own head. By processing conflict from a neutral perspective, you better understand where your partner is coming from and are able to let go of grudges." 

Finkel added: "Not only did this effect emerge for marital satisfaction, it also emerged for other relationship processes -- like passion and sexual desire -- that are especially vulnerable to the ravages of time. . . . And this isn't a dating sample. These effects emerged whether people were married for one month, 50 years or anywhere in between."

The research report discussed, at some length, the relative benefits of marriage, in terms of health and happiness.  But Finkel made note: "Marriage tends to be healthy for people, but the quality of the marriage is much more important than its mere existence. . . . Having a high-quality marriage is one of the strongest predictors of happiness and health. From that perspective, participating in a seven-minute writing exercise three times a year has to be one of the best investments married people can make."

The study, titled “A Brief Intervention to Promote Conflict Reappraisal,” was co-authored by Finkel and Erica Slotter (Villanova), Laura Luchies (Redeemer University College), and Gregory Walton and James Gross (Stanford).

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