Marriage/Relationships: The Secret to Making Them Work?

Marriage/Relationships: The Secret to Making Them Work?

Let’s start with three:

1.      Stop trying to change your partner;

2.      Never begin a sentence with the word "you"; and 

3.      Avoid trigger phrases (e.g., "you’re being just like your mother/father").

And here’s three more: 

4.      Know your partner’s love language; 

5.      When you spend time together, try to make it “sacred” time; and

6.      Hold your hugs for at least 20 seconds ("that’s how long it takes for your oxytocin – the ‘cuddle hormone’ – to kick in," explains Dr. Jim Walkup).

We all know the basics: patience, kindness, support, respect and trust. But we are human, so every now and then it’s good to pause, collect ourselves, and re-focus on what makes a relationship tick, and keep on ticking. Here then are a few tips, culled from hundreds we’ve come across. Hopefully you’ll find a few that will make your relationship thrive.

Don’t try to change your partner. Says Dr. Rick Kirschner, Relationship Coach: "The biggest waste of effort in a marriage is trying to change your spouse, since the problems you have with your spouse are generally problems you have in yourself. When you try to change your spouse you come across as a nag and wind up sending the message that 'who you are is not enough.' Nobody likes getting that message, and it leads to distance and polarization. Let your spouse be who he or she is and focus on changing yourself."

Spend time together. But make it “sacred” time. Marni Battista, CPC, founder of Dating with Dignity, says that to keep the spark alive and avoid ‘roommate syndrome’, "couples have to understand the notion of spending ‘time’ together versus creating ‘sacred’ time together. Spending time at social events, time with family and doing ‘chores’ together does not count as sacred time. Instead, carve out special time to not only be intimate, but also ensure that you continue to share new experiences together such as hiking, exploring someplace new, or arranging a stay-cation in your own city."

Control or connection? Psychologist and marriage counselor Lee Horton points out: "You can have control or you can have connection with your partner, but you can't have both. Pursue connection!"

Know your partner’s love language. In his Huffington Post article, Walkup explains: "This one is so important. Just because your mom sang your praises for cleaning up your room doesn’t mean your partner is as impressed by the act. We each value different loving behaviors and gestures in our relationship. Often couples have completely different love languages."  Walkup encourages us to periodically ask: “What things have I done that make you feel the most loved?” Walkup also recommends grabbing a copy of Gary Chapman’s "The Five Languages of Love."

Touch every chance you get. "This isn’t just about sex," according to a piece at sixseeds.patheos.com, “although sex is another consistent habit of happy couples. Physical touch includes cuddling, kissing, hugging, foot rubs, shoulder rubs, holding hands and putting your arm around each other. The simple act of touch binds a [couple’s] hearts together like nothing else. If you are one of the many in a 'touch-starved' [relationship], make it a priority to bring more affection and physical touch" to the relationship.

Watch those words! Marcia Sirota, a psychiatrist and the author of "Women Decoded: The Secret Strategy for Relationship Success," shares 10 phrases to avoid. Here are three:

"You’re being just like your father/mother." Says psychologist Megan Fleming, as quoted in Brittany Wong’s Huffington Post piece: “It doesn’t matter how healthy a relationship your partner has with his or her parents: comparing them to dear old dad or mom mid-argument is a particularly low blow, even if the comparison is true.”

"Will you please just relax." Says Sirota, as quoted by Wong: "Unless your goal is to prolong your partner’s anger during an argument, don’t tell them to ‘calm down’ or ‘relax’."

"We need to talk, but now is not a good time." Psychologist Susan Krauss, as quoted by Wong, explains that phrases such as these create "anxiety without providing an avenue for alleviating that anxiety. . . . It’s also a controlling statement. If you feel the need to talk, then wait until you have the time and ask if your partner has whatever length of time you need."  

Author’s note: quotes from Kirschner, Battista, Horton, Monet and Marshall are drawn from an article at www.yourtango.com.

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