Saturday, October 1, 2016

How compassionate are your kids?

How challenging is it to raise children who are compassionate, kind, and empathetic? Apparently, it’s getting harder. 

Sara Konrath, a University of Michigan psychologist, compared data from 1979-2009 to analyze if, indeed, teenagers have become more, or less, compassionate over the last 30 years. Her findings were dramatic, and discouraging. 

Explained Konrath, whose meta-analysis covered 72 studies and 14,000 college students: “College kids today are about 40 percent lower in empathy than their counterparts 20 or 30 years ago. . . .” Compared to college students of the late 1970s, said Konrath, college students today are less likely to agree with statements such as: “I sometimes try to understand my friends better by imagining how things look from their perspective" and "I often have tender, concerned feelings for people less fortunate than me." Along these lines, today’s college students are more likely to agree with the statement: “I will never be satisfied until I get all that I deserve."

It’s a disturbing trend, but psychologists and international groups insist there is much we can do to bring about change. Below are a few unique (and some traditional) steps. But first, a word about compassion, and its importance. 

·        What is compassion?  According to Seeds of Compassion, a non-profit: “Compassion is an understanding of the emotional state of another. Not to be confused with empathy, compassion is often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another or to show special kindness to those who suffer. (To read more on the subject, consider picking up “Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential -- and Endangered,” by Bruce D. Perry and Maia Szalavitz.)

·        Benefits? Adds Seeds of Compassion: “Scientific studies that suggest there are physical benefits to practicing compassion — people who practice it produce 100 percent more DHEA, which is a hormone that counteracts the aging process, and 23 percent less cortisol — the ‘stress hormone’.” 

·        How early can children learn to be empathetic?  Said Elizabeth Foy Larsen, in an article at parents.com: “One study found that kids as young as 18 months could master a key component of empathy: the ability to tune in to people's emotions. By age 4, they move beyond making physical caring gestures and start to think about others' feelings in relation to their own. Many of these responses happen naturally, but you can make a more conscious effort to promote empathy-boosting experiences for your children.”

·        Muscle memory? Explained Marilyn Price-Mitchell, in an article published by the non-profit Roots of Action: “Developing compassion in elementary and middle school-aged children is akin to developing muscle strength. The more you use your muscles, the stronger they get. Children learn compassion through many experiences, including caring for the family pet.”

·        How important is a child’s social-emotional development (SED)? According to Seeds of Compassion: “Social-emotional development [which is linked directly to compassion] is the foundation for success in school and in life. . . . It is a better predictor of adult success than intelligence quotient scores (IQ).”


What Can You Do?

Above all, psychologists insist, we must provide opportunities for our young ones to practice compassion. Aside from that, here’s a mix of some unique, and traditional, steps worth taking: 

·        Point out heroes. Said Jane Meredith Adams, writing for parenting.com: “The siren of a fire truck, not to mention a newspaper photograph of a bomb attack, can make a 4-year-old worry. Shield him from disturbing images as much as possible, but when he hears or sees something frightening, focus the conversation on the firefighters, rescue workers, doctors, or volunteers who are there to help us.”

·        Help children understand and cope with anger. In her article for Roots of Action, Price Mitchell explained: "Anger is one of the greatest hindrances to compassion because it can overwhelm children’s minds and spirit. Yet there are times when anger yields energy and determination. The Dalai Lama, in his article Compassion and the Individual, suggests we investigate the value of our anger. We can help children by asking how their anger will help solve a problem or make their lives happier. We can help them see both the positive and negative sides of anger, and how holding onto anger leads to unreliable and destructive outcomes."

·        Teach children to self-regulate.  Added Price-Mitchell: “Children should understand that regulating their anger is not a sign of weakness. Instead, a compassionate attitude is an internal strength. Praise children when they regulate themselves, making sure they understand the power of their calmness and patience.”

·        Don’t trash talk. In her piece for parenting.com, Adams suggested: “Don't trash talk. Kids, as we know, are always listening. How we talk on a daily basis about our own siblings, parents, and relatives tells them a lot. If children hear us saying something really negative about Grandma, they learn that it's okay to talk that way, says Suzanne Coyle, Ph.D., a mom and director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at Christian Theological Seminary in Indianapolis. So keep meanness in check: ‘Show them you have a spirit of kindness and generosity’.”

·        Volunteer. Perla Ni, founder and CEO of GreatNonprofits, said that “researchers have found volunteering is associated with increases in adolescents’ self-esteem and self-acceptance, moral development, and belief in one’s personal responsibility to help. Volunteering often brings a new dimension to the world through children’s eyes; it helps them grasp that not everyone has the same privileges they do and makes them more empathetic.”



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Interested in building compassion? 
If you’re interested in taking action, or simply learning more, consider contacting any of these top-flight organizations, each of which promotes compassion and empathy:

  •           Seeds of Compassion
  •       Kids for Peace
  •       Roots of Empathy and
  •           GenerationOn (the youth division of Points of Light Institute).


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